IN OPEN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM

Mrs Ebor Forestry and no.2 daughter discuss whether it`s too wet to broadcast Corsican seed. October 2008. Strensall Common SSSI.

This is quite possibly the most boring document written by the most boring document writer in the Department for Boring Documents ever in the history of The National Museum of Boring Documents, Silsden, West Yorkshire.

But don`t let that put you off.

Here are some of the bureaucratic nothing-speak gems from the Forestry Commission you can enjoy with a bit of fortitude and a stiff drink.

"Although some of the evidence remains uncertain we believe we can gather enough information to make a rationale judgement at a graininess that reflects the precision of the delivery tools at our disposal."

"We will invite relevant Government leads for the delivery mechanisms to express the implications of each option for the delivery mechanism and the likely impact on the desired outcomes and other issues."

"Process evaluation: we will set up other mechanisms by which we will evaluate the process by which the policy is delivered employing criteria such as change in organisational reputation, stakeholder engagement, staff understanding, and transaction costs."


This gobbledygook is, of course, taken from The FC`s Restoration of open habitats from woods and forests: process for developing policy.

And we defy anyone to find it on the FC`s website now.

As enthusiastic FC website surfers, we stumbled across it some time ago and were attracted to the bit about open space which is, of course, an anathema to proper foresters. (In fact, I have known me and Mrs Ebor Forestry walk the dog on Strensall Common SSSI near York while secretively sprinkling Forestart birch seed down our trouser legs!) http://www.forestart.co.uk/

This document is clearly a precursor to a new suite of government guidelines that provide an excuse for not restocking felled areas with productive forest and therefore reduces the government`s grant commitment!

Brilliant!

Anyway, the FC aim to complete their "sharing" of this policy document with stakeholders in March 2009.

Have you been consulted?

Try and find this priceless piece of sh** and bugg** f***ing boll***s at

http://www.forestry.gov.uk/

World News from Ebor Forestry

We couldn't let this piece of history go by without mentioning that Barack Obama was inaugurated as the first black US President yesterday. Quite what difference this will make to the UK`s forestry industry remains to be seen but funnily enough the Small Woods Association have just announced the first National Beanpole Week from 25 April-3 May 2009.

It`s not known if Mr Obama has been invited to launch it.

"Here we go round the Corsican pine that the Forestry Commission planted on this ancient woodland on a cold and frosty morning."

The Forestry Commission have managed to pull off one of the best political "spins" in recent years by releasing their Delivery Plan for England's Trees, Woods and Forests while the rest of us were queuing in Argos or fighting over the last parsnip in Tesco during the run up to Christmas.

We at EborForestry can only guess that this was a typically calculated piece of government shenanigans released at a time when they knew that most hard working, credit-crunched foresters would be sat in a traffic jam on York`s outer ring-road trying to deliver the government`s woodfuel strategy by delivering 1/2 a tonne of logs to Mrs Miggins in a clapped out Toyota Hi-lux and would therefore be too preoccupied to pay any attention to the endless emailed press releases advertising ice cream concessions in the New Forest!

Anyway, Mrs Ebor Forestry sat up half the night recently tryimg to work out how her new ring-binding machine worked which I had thoughtfully bought her for Christmas and the document awaits Ebor Forestry`s perusal under the Husqvarna bib and brace PPE which I also thought she might like for those romantic evenings in.

Let us know what you think.

No, I couldn`t be bothered reading it either.

http://www.forestry.gov.uk/newsrele.nsf/AllByUNID/886FA7AA61C6717680257523004B1F4C

Something new for 2009! An award from the RFS!

The RFS have recently launched a new and shiny Excellance in Forestry Award for 2009.

This award will probably be awarded to some crinckly gent wearing olive green who`s been an RFS member since 1958 but don`t let that stop you submitting your own woodlands to the RFS` estimable perusal.

Being the stout, bronzed, hairy-armed forestry consultancy that we are, Ebor Forestry have written to the organiser of the aforementioned award proposing that Ebor Forestry would be pleased and delighted to sponsor the RFS` venture to the tune of £5 000 provided someone in Yorkshire wins it and that those Geordie bastards in the Great North Forest or those tax payer sponsored twats in Forest Enterprise at Kielder with their endless mountain bike roller-coaster slide things don`t get a sniff.

Or multi-millionaire Simon Howard at Castle Brideshead Howard Revisited Estate.

Or anyone who actually turns up for an RFS meeting Yorkshire.

Go on. Have a go. You don`t have to be an RFS member to join in the fun.

But it helps.

mailto:woodlandcompetition@boyns.net

Do foresters have manly parts?

Apparently, the sight of naked ladies breasts has proved too much for too many foresters and so we have been forced to remove the offending material from us blog.

Analysis of our visitors revealed that too many were spending less than 5 seconds visiting EF`s blog and we can only assume that our visitors were having minor heart attacks when they realised that naked ladies busters might suddenly be burned onto their employer`s hard-drive and let`s be honest, the only time to enjoy Ebor Forestry is in someone else`s time!

Otherwise, we`re stuck with boring trees and forestry and that.

I, for one, almost starting enjoying compiling us blog. Better think of some forestry jokes instead.

Er -------------

Happy New Year!

Ebor Forestry would like to say Happy New Year to our reader.