LOADSAMONEY!

The FC still have loads of money to spend on woodland creation and have therefore extended the usual 30th September deadline for Woodland Creation Grant applications.


It really helps your application if your proposals include planting woodland so close to people that will it obstruct their satellite TV reception when analogue is turned off, interfere with a view in 15 years time and harbour drug dealing dens in about 20 years.

And there was I still trying to get me head round yield class!


Extra points can be earned if your proposals include planting really complicated native woodland species mixtures at various spacings with attractive grassy open areas where the widest range of people can engage with the natural environment. Your application will be fast-tracked if the local planning authority subsequently decide to bulldoze your woodland within 10 years to make way for affordable housing and a nice new sports centre where people have to pay to go running on-the-spot instead of running through some nice woodland in the fresh air.

The BNP and what passes for the politics of forestry

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, sucks thoughtfully on some French birch sap wine. Hope it chokes the f***er.

It`s not very often that this blog gets involved in politics as such although we try to offer a frequent critique in our own humble way about the vacillations of various government departments and QUANGOs charged with the management of our trees, woods and forests.

However, we thought it might be pertinent if we tested the arboreal credentials of the BNP by asking them via their website a few tree related questions such as:

• Where do you stand on sycamore?



• Kent and the south-east developed a major rural industry based on sweet chestnut which was introduced by the Romans in the olden days. How would you repatriate this tree?



• The BNP acknowledges a recent British history based on a collective consciousness of images of earnest British industry that was fueled by coal and timber. Just exactly where did all those pit-props come from?



• The BNP presumably have offices somewhere and pound to a penny they`re held up by construction grade sitka spruce which may have been grown in Britain but ultimately has no business being here according to your tenets. Never mind, will you live in a yurt made out of British hazel but made by a Polish woodsman who`s come over here and stolen a job from some bloke who does plastering and doesn`t know how to make yurts?



• Recent research has shown that York Minster and therefore the entire edifice of Anglican theology is held up by German oak. That must be really annoying for you?

Ebor Forestry will let you know when we get the BNP`s response.

Don`t hold your breath.

Please let us have your thoughts on the eugenics of forestry at eborforestry@googlemail.com

It`s not just plucking ukuleles, you know!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTIv8hP-UIA

Somewhat rueful at being taken out, let alone being taken out to see a ukulele orchestra, Ebor Forestry can wholeheartedly recommend the above combo which me and Mrs Ebor Forestry, no. 2 daughter and Mrs Ebor Forestry`s friend, Boz, saw last night at the Opera House in York.

http://www.ukuleleorchestra.com/main/home.aspx

Woodland Creation Grant by the seat of us pants!

Watch Ebor Forestry race through a familiar European medieval city to meet the 30th September deadline recently.

Stick with it to catch a glimpse at the end of Mr and Mrs Ebor Forestry celebrating the successful delivery of their e.wgs 7!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw29e7tFxQE

Ignite!

Ebor Forestry take delivery of a shiny new £74 000 woodfuel processor. "Just let us at those ancient woodlands and you`d never know we`d been there!"

We have received an email about yet more crap about woodfuel from our arsonist chum Wally Miapin who`s banging on about being Ignite qualified.

We at Ebor Forestry are always open to innovation, as you know, but what is Ignite?

A quick trawl of the interweb revels that those scheming aparatcheks at Yorwoods have a fair hand in it but have transmogrified into a QUANGO which they`ve called a Rural Development Initiative which acts as filter for ERDP finance or something.

This finance is aimed at regenerating rural businesses and in particular the forestry/woodland management sector and in line with national and regional policies dreamed up in cosy Portakabins nestling cosily within the Leeds City Region close to Wheldrake-in-Cambridge is being rolled out across the region with the support of the Regional Development Agency, Yorkshire Forward along with some nice pictures featuring some fat bastards stuffing their faces with fat rascals outside Betty`s in Harrogate.

That`s why 2 Principal Officers of Leeds City Council earning something like £30 000 each attended this heavily subsidised 3 day Ignite course last week aimed at small rural businesses in Yorkshire and learned all about woodfuel.

That`s cleared that up then and now you know all about Ignite!

http://www.yorwoods.org.uk/events/ignite-woodfuel-production-and-supply

Some dogs have died.

One of our latent correspondents, Wilf Ulneglect, sent us this piece from The Independent recently.

Investigation under way after dogs die in woods
By Rosa Silverman, Press Association
Wednesday, 30 September 2009

An investigation is under way after at least three dogs died and more fell ill after visiting a woodland area, Natural England said today.
The inquiry is looking at whether the use of illegal chemicals in the Sherwood area of Nottinghamshire could be responsible for the deaths, according to the Forestry Commission, which owns the land.
Warning signs have been put up in the woods in Haywood Oaks, notifying dog-owners that animals have fallen ill and advising them to keep their pets on leads.
A spokeswoman for Natural England said: "We have received reports that three dogs and one ferret have died and a further five dogs have been taken ill after being in the vicinity of the woodlands, since the beginning of September.
"We are currently awaiting results of tests to clarify the cause."
There have been no reports of humans falling ill.
It is thought more likely that the deaths resulted from something in the water that occurred naturally, or something transmitted by a mite or tick than from the use of chemicals.
A spokesman for the Forestry Commission said: "We'd be very concerned if illegal chemicals were being used."

What the article failed to mention was that autopsies carried out by DEFRA vets revealed that far from being a case of illegal poisoning several deep external abrasions with associated internal organ damage was commensurate with being run over by mountain bikes.

The FC`s Mountain Bike Development Officer for Haywood Oaks was unable to comment by the time Ebor Forestry had had a word with him.

Latest facile recruitment opportunity from the f***ing Forestry Commission!

Cycle Development Coach - Bedgebury

As a Cycle Development Coach you will be responsible for developing recreational activities and providing coaching to schools and disabled groups/individuals. You shall work closely with the Bedgebury Forest Cycle Club, to build relationships with the community and maintain and develop facilities. It is also required that you produce reports and propose plans to ensure further funding for the delivery of the Sports England and Cycle Development Plans.

Salary: £11,968 - £14,925 per annum plus benefits, pro rata to full-time equivalent of £21,087 - £26,298

(Thanks to our correspondent, Wally Miapine, somewhere down south for this top vocational tip - Ed.)