Forestry Commission say Merry Christmas

As we are now well in to the festive period, here`s an absolute bargain from the Forestry Commission. Get yourselves along to any FC forest visitor centre and choose your very own spruce, pine or fir tree. Don`t worry about paying because you`ve already paid for the 7 years skilled tending by professional forestry staff through your taxes. Simply select your tree which will have been pre-cut and walk off back to your car in the car park which you won`t have paid for either because you`ve already paid something like 20% tax.

If you`re worried about the provenance of your tree then don`t be. The Forestry Commission were certified to Foresty Stewardship Council (FSC) standards years ago using public funds before anyone noticed (It`s only recently they`ve started to force the rest of us to pay the private sector for our certification)

And you might want to ask to see their plant health passport before you leave.

In fact, we`d recommend you help yourself to any Forestry Commission Estate Christmas trees so long as it`s only one for personal use.

And you don`t try selling a Transit Pick-up load off Malton market last Saturday.

That would be a bit dodgy.

It`s National Tree Week - hooray!

Those of us working in the urban forestry sector will know that trees cause untold misery to thousands of people every year. From overhanging branches, shade, leaf-litter in gardens, slippery seed on pavements and lovely new decking, aphid poo staining parked cars to say nothing of when trees become really vicious and start dropping bits onto people, trees represent a real blight on modern society.


So why is it that every year armies of people across the country shoulder their spades and venture forth to shove yet more of the woody bastards into the most ridiculous of urban spaces?

Tree planting is of course a relatively quick and easy way of proclaiming your green credentials regardless of the long term social cost. For example, how many fine views of the rolling hills, valleys and TK MAX have been lost to the good people of Ashby de la Zouche because of the inexorable rise of the National Forest. And how on earth are commuters supposed to find junction 7 on the M5 round Leicester with all that boring NVC lowland mixed broadleaved transport corridor woodland planting that no one will ever manage properly.

Similarly, around Durham you can hardly move for trees and woods but you try get planning permission for a TESCO EXPRESS what with all the European Protected Species that have moved in, the bastards.


Leeds, though, has a more enlightened attitude to urban forestry.

You want a new tennis centre?

No problem just clear all that native woodland planting the council did 5 years ago and off you go.

You want a new sports centre?

Fantastic, just fell all that woodland we panted in 1987 and the job`s good `un.

What`s that? You need 2 new amateur football pitches. Simple, fell that wood we only just got the grant for last September and Bob`s Your Uncle.

Leeds, of course, has enthusiastically embraced Trees for Cities as a partner organisation in spite of the authority having its own worthy but underfunded Forest of Leeds Project for the last 15 years. So much so, that Leeds has hosted 2 annual Tree-athlon`s where you can enjoy a Sunday morning run around one of its country parks and raise money for urban tree planting and as you gasp across the finish line you are handed a cell-grown oak.

Great!

But wait. What`s Trees for Cities advice about planting your oak tree? Plant it in a bucket and shove it on your lovely new decking!

Trees for Cities, eh.

Knobheads.

Leeds City Council, eh.

Bigger knobheads.

For more shit ideas about planting trees where they`re going to really, really piss someone off in 40 years time go to http://www.treesforcities.org/