It`s easily done, though.

Further to the previous post, we`d like to clear up any confusion surrounding our very own Glynn Garner, former Director of the ISA (UK and Ireland Chapter) and currently notable person in Yorkshire forestry and the popular TV presenter and enthusiast for Italian Renaissance architecture, Count Francesco Da Mosta.

Sorry.

The Return of The Twig

We almost received an email recently asking about the whereabouts of our tame forester, The Twig.

Some say, he has sired at least 3 Forestry Commission Regional Directors.


Others, that he uses bio-chain oil as a lubricant during mating.

All we know is, he`s called The Twig.

Unfortunately, comparisons have been drawn between The Twig and an entirely fictitious character created for the light entertainment programme Top Gear on the moving television and so we thought it best to keep our silvicultural homunculous out of the spotlight for a while.

Now, though, we feel that time is right to release The Twig once again and more so since the wretched creature has got married to the lovely Mrs Twig who has taken up post as Ebor Forestry`s resident aboreal agony aunt.

Look out for more features featuring The Twig.

http://w3.upm-kymmene.com/upm/forestlife/index.html

Check out the above link to Tilhill Forestry`s website. This explains more about sustainable forestry to the casual visitor than all the Forestry Commission visitor centres and website put together and not a mountain biker in sight!

Woodfuel - the virtuous circle.

"Hello, Forestry Commission, Yorkshire and the Humber, how can I help?"

"Hello, it`s Ebor Forestry here and I`d like some advice about coordinating some woodfuel supply chains and diversifyng wildlife habitats. I don`t want to spin the issue but I`d like to be involved in the virtuous circle please."

"Mmmmm - it sounds like you need to speak to our brand new shiny woodfuel coordinator. I`ll try and put you through."

"Thanks."

(Long pause)

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Sorry to keep you waiting, I found him outside signing for a delivery for some gasoil for our Portacabins and the golf course next door. I`ll put you through."

"bbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzz--------------"

"I`m a fire starter, twisted fire starter --------!" The Prodigy from Poppleton.

AN ENVIRONMENTALLY-CONSCIOUS York resident has taken up a new post to bang the drum about the benefits of using wood as a renewable fuel in Yorkshire and the Humber.
Rudie Humphrey, 36, of Poppleton, has been appointed as the first regional co-ordinator for wood fuel by the Forestry Commission and Yorkshire Forward.
Mr Humphrey’s task will be to exploit the region’s 230,000 acres of woodland, over half of which is under-managed, say forest chiefs.
They point out it could be capable of yielding a sustainable output of timber to reduce reliance on fossil fuels.
A keen drummer in his spare time, Mr Humphrey runs music nights at York City Screen, but his day-job is to get more people, firms and organisations to tune into the wonder of wood. He explained: “Most people who have looked at the issue can see there’s an amazing opportunity to expand the wood fuel market.
“Rising energy costs have focused minds and using timber makes as much economic as environmental sense. The key is to get more woods into management with a cycle of regular planting and felling to ensure a good sustainable timber supply.
“But for some people the idea of chopping down trees and burning them goes against the grain, even if new trees are planted.
“In reality, doing so actually helps wildlife by opening up the tree canopy and diversifying habitats. We don’t need to spin the issue to realise that wood fuel could be a very virtuous circle.”
He said: “By knitting together wood fuel initiatives running across the region, we can maximise our efforts and ensure success is copied elsewhere.”
There are currently 44 wood fuel boiler sites across the region producing enough power to heat 1,300 homes, plus offices, libraries and schools. They range from green power plants at Swinton Park Hotel, near Ripon, to the recently completed multi-million pound council offices in Barnsley.

(York Press 17 November 2008)

John Craven`s Newsfilecountryround

"And here`s the countryside news for 8 year olds --------"

Me and Mrs Ebor Forestry normally love John Craven`s Newscountryroundfile on the moving television not least because it means we`re usually eating a bacon sandwich and a nice egg after having some nice Sunday morning rumpy-pumpys.

But this morning, the producers of Newsroundfilecountry managed to include a feature of such banal brain numbing banality courtesy of our chums at Natural England, that Mrs EF left a good six inches of rind on her plate.

Apparently, Natural England employ a GP and some young post-graduate floozy who looked like she needed a good wash, to monitor the effects of being outside in the country on people`s well-being. Their research showed that seeing some green stuff in a field and being with goats lowered their blood pressure and engendered a feeling of well-being.

For fuck`s sake.

What these bone-heads failed to mention is that farming has one of the highest suicide rates of any industry due to rural isolation, economic problems, marital and familial strife, lack of affordable housing and poor employment prospects and the pressure of setting up vacuous experiments for Natural England, no doubt!

Natural England? Useless tossers!

Speaking of tossing, we did quite like Ben Fogel`s piece on the Alternative Highland Games. Now that`s what I call hard-hitting rural journalism.

It`s nearly as good as The Archers on the wireless.

Mrs Ebor Forestry welcomes RPA decision!

Thank you, Harry Patch, last British survivor of Passchendale,

who made all this nonesense possible.

Mrs Ebor Forestry raises a tankard to the RPA!

Ebor Forestry have finally got their SBI number from the RPA!

Hooray!

We got a letter today telling us our SBI but we must activate it by calling the RPA with our inside leg measurement, our mother`s Christian name, the initials of the bass player from the 1976 line-up of Gong, the bra cup size of the lovely Colleen Nolan off of ITV`s Loose Women and a number known only to ourselves (which would, of course, be Colleen Nolan`s bra cup size so that`s not much of security code is it?)

We haven`t tried activating our SBI yet because we couldn`t be bothered but when we do we`ll let you know what happens.

Let`s just see if the Forestry Commission can stop us claiming any grants now, the bastards!

Seed gathering again.

At a time when Ebor Forestry should be busy licking the envelopes full of forms that we know assorted government useless bastard agencies will be sending back to us because they can, Ebor Forestry have again been dragged into our local government client`s annual seed gathering events in the darkest of dark Yorkshire urban forests.

Unfortunately, this event involves the 3 things Ebor Forestry hate the most.

Namely, children, trees and trying to pretend to children that we like trees.

The bastards.

Trees, that is, not the children who are all angels.

Here`s a selection of what they said this year (all true):

"Me dad shot a deer down here with me uncle".

"We set fire to that down there again on bonfire night."

"Do you own these woods?" (Why?) "`cos me dad`s had the slates off that lodge."

"Are you here everyday, `cos me brother might see you later on if you like."

"Are we going near the canal where all the murders are?" (No) "Good. Is this an acorn?" (Yes)"Cool".