Ebor Forestry

Crickeymoses!

2011-01-31T17:01:00.000-08:00

While we`ve been away on us banana farm in Belize doing deals and stuff with Waitrose and what have you there`s has been all sorts of stuff going down with a government interfering with our beloved Forestry Commission.

Well, we are not having it whatever it is. Whoever they are they`re all bastards.

Can someone tell us what`s going on?

Does the new rate of VAT apply to imported bananas?

Have I missed Dancing on Ice with Sir Fred Stricktly Come Dancing Stanningley By Pass Constable partnered with the lovely Collen Nolan off of ITV`s Loose Women or have things moved on?

Fuck.

Where were we?

Ebor Forestry ARE BUSY THINKING

2010-06-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

We apologise for the sparcity of blogs.

This is due to an intellectual fault, like.

Get your own back with Ebor Forestry on Facebook. NEW!

2010-02-02T16:18:00.000-08:00

It`s NEW! You can now get your own back with Ebor Forestry on Facebook apparently.

Apparently Facebook is a social-interacting website where you can keep in touch with friends and family and so on.

Sounds awful. Apparently.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/pages/Ebor-Forestry-Cutting-Costs-Cutting-Corners/274245619757?ref=ts

Ebor Forestry AGM

2010-01-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ebor Forestry will be holding its AGM somewhere soon. We can`t tell you where or when in case you are grooming us for some sexual perversion or you simply want to punch us in the gob.

Either way, you can`t come unless you have received a VIP invite already.

So fuck off.

If only they`d planted more trees!

2010-01-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

While we all stand around in grey photo-opportunities, releasing endless press releases congratulating us-selves about saving the planet by locking up all that carbon and planting trees to off-set flooding in quaint North Yorkshire market towns, Mother Earth has gone one better in Haiti.

What a bastard.

As far as Ebor Forestry can see http://www.dec.org.uk/donate_now/ is the best way of "off-setting" this catastrophe in a hunanimatarian way.

Xmas trees for sale!

2009-12-31T16:51:00.000-08:00

Ready now! Nordmann, pines and spruce. Cut your own or delivered, netted by our special netting thing (+£2.50)

5000 to choose from. Prices start at £1 per foot (+ VAT at 2010 rate)

Anyone?

Beat the rush?

Covered in snow specially selected by Ebor Forestry on New Year`s Eve?

Thought so.

Bastards.

Happy New Year.

Free car parking my a****.

2009-12-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

New Discovery Pass arrives at Haldon Forest (15/12/2009)

The Forestry Commission’s Discovery Pass is now available at Haldon Forest Park.

The new pass costs £20 and in return holders will get 12 months free parking at Haldon Forest Park, a quarterly e-newsletter packed full of interesting news and information as well as a range of other discounts and offers. These include a 10% discount at the Ridge Café as well as selected seasonal offers, 20% off Go Ape and 10% off cycle hire at Forest Cycle Hire (excludes July and August). There will also be occasional offers of discounts on events run by the Centre for Contemporary Art & The Natural World

Since when did handing over £20 constitute "free parking"? (In fact it`s more at other Forests)

Disingenuous bastards.

New look to us blog

2009-12-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

We hope you like the new look Ebor Forestry blog. We think the faded, yellowing edges and general dirty browness reflects our attitude towards life in the urban forest quite well.

Ebor Forestry AGM

2009-12-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

We try really hard month after month after month to provide an amusing alternative to the turgid output of FC press releases and countless E-News`s`s`s from the likes of the Woodland Trust, Royal Forestry Society, Small Bloody Woods Bloody Association, Yorkshire Woodfuel Burners etc etc and Ebor Forestry has to inhale a collective sigh and think why do we bother?

But occasionally we receive a missive that rekindles our faith in Yorkshire Forestry even though it`s mostly rubbish gibberish, like.

I've let the "stop illegal logging in the wolds collective" (York branch) know that the plans have changed and they've very kindly agreed to rearrange their peaceful, non-violent protest for the January date. I must add that this was at some inconvenience to the collective as their original plan was to bombard shareholders with ripe appellation controlee camembert - a symbolic but humorous protest highlighting the parallel plight of the Northern French artisan cheesemakers suffering from the globalisation of soft cheese production. The camembert has already been bought, is ripe and good to throw. I understand that after a somewhat protracted plenary of the East Riding Anarchist gathering it has been decided to place the camembert on the rails leading to Drax in the hope that the Christmas coal delivery will lose traction, the lights will go out and that people left in the dark for a while will reject consumerism, ipods, interwebs, alcopops and instead wander off down to the pub for a decent pint of hand pulled ale and a game of doms. In which case I plan to get into the donkey early to avoid the rush.

Seasons greetings

(Anon)

Thanks to Anon and we look forward to welcoming him or her into the Ebor Forestry Fold on 22nd January.

For more details about how you could become an Ebor Forester please send details of your annual salary expectation and bra size to eborforesry@googlemail.com

NEW VACANCIES WITH EBOR FORESTRY

2009-12-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

http://www.whiteroseforest.org.uk/What-We-Do/Video.aspx

Here`s a selection of recent interviews Ebor Forestry conducted on behalf of the White Rose Forest Partnership for the post of Tea-room Attendant at The Chevin Forest Park, Hotten, Emmerdale.

If anyone has half an idea what any of them were on about please let us know.

How complicated can you make serving some Yorkshire Tea and scones, for Goodness sake?!

Happy 90th birthday Forestry Commission!

2009-12-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

Today, 8 December, the Forestry Commission celebrates 90 years of successfully managing the public forest estate. This anniversary holds particular significance in Devon as it all began in Eggesford Forest within the Taw Valley.It was on this day in 1919 that Lord Clinton, a newly appointed Commissioner of the Forestry Commission planted its first trees, some of which still stand in the forest today. Over the last 90 years the commission has grown from this to an organisation, which today cares for 827,000 hectares of sustainably managed woods, plants 17 million trees every year and employs 3000 people. It is also the biggest provider of recreation in the country and is heavily involved in working to lessen the impact of climate change.

(FC press release 8 December 2009)

That`s funny. I was always led to believe by the Forestry Commission itself that it planted it`s first trees at Thornthwaite near Keswick which is IN THE NORTH near the top of the UK.

So, fuck off Lord Bloody Lardy-dah Clinton,

Climate Change, eh?

Bet you didn`t see that fucker coming, did you?

Forestry Commission call for expansive tree planting to combat climate change!

2009-11-25T16:59:00.000-08:00

In amongst the vacuum of Yorkshire forestry something occasionally happens that makes us at Ebor Forestry stop and think.

Only five weeks to Christmas.

Shit.

5-4-3-2-1 Thunderbirds are go!

2009-11-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

All we need now are some foresters to drive the fuckers!

LOADSAMONEY!

2009-10-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

The FC still have loads of money to spend on woodland creation and have therefore extended the usual 30th September deadline for Woodland Creation Grant applications.

It really helps your application if your proposals include planting woodland so close to people that will it obstruct their satellite TV reception when analogue is turned off, interfere with a view in 15 years time and harbour drug dealing dens in about 20 years.

And there was I still trying to get me head round yield class!

Extra points can be earned if your proposals include planting really complicated native woodland species mixtures at various spacings with attractive grassy open areas where the widest range of people can engage with the natural environment. Your application will be fast-tracked if the local planning authority subsequently decide to bulldoze your woodland within 10 years to make way for affordable housing and a nice new sports centre where people have to pay to go running on-the-spot instead of running through some nice woodland in the fresh air.

The BNP and what passes for the politics of forestry

2009-10-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, sucks thoughtfully on some French birch sap wine. Hope it chokes the f***er.

It`s not very often that this blog gets involved in politics as such although we try to offer a frequent critique in our own humble way about the vacillations of various government departments and QUANGOs charged with the management of our trees, woods and forests.

However, we thought it might be pertinent if we tested the arboreal credentials of the BNP by asking them via their website a few tree related questions such as:

Where do you stand on sycamore?

Kent and the south-east developed a major rural industry based on sweet chestnut which was introduced by the Romans in the olden days. How would you repatriate this tree?

The BNP acknowledges a recent British history based on a collective consciousness of images of earnest British industry that was fueled by coal and timber. Just exactly where did all those pit-props come from?

The BNP presumably have offices somewhere and pound to a penny they`re held up by construction grade sitka spruce which may have been grown in Britain but ultimately has no business being here according to your tenets. Never mind, will you live in a yurt made out of British hazel but made by a Polish woodsman who`s come over here and stolen a job from some bloke who does plastering and doesn`t know how to make yurts?

Recent research has shown that York Minster and therefore the entire edifice of Anglican theology is held up by German oak. That must be really annoying for you?

Ebor Forestry will let you know when we get the BNP`s response.

Don`t hold your breath.

Please let us have your thoughts on the eugenics of forestry at eborforestry@googlemail.com

It`s not just plucking ukuleles, you know!

2009-10-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTIv8hP-UIA

Somewhat rueful at being taken out, let alone being taken out to see a ukulele orchestra, Ebor Forestry can wholeheartedly recommend the above combo which me and Mrs Ebor Forestry, no. 2 daughter and Mrs Ebor Forestry`s friend, Boz, saw last night at the Opera House in York.

http://www.ukuleleorchestra.com/main/home.aspx

Woodland Creation Grant by the seat of us pants!

2009-10-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Watch Ebor Forestry race through a familiar European medieval city to meet the 30th September deadline recently.

Stick with it to catch a glimpse at the end of Mr and Mrs Ebor Forestry celebrating the successful delivery of their e.wgs 7!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw29e7tFxQE

Ignite!

2009-10-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Ebor Forestry take delivery of a shiny new £74 000 woodfuel processor. "Just let us at those ancient woodlands and you`d never know we`d been there!"

We have received an email about yet more crap about woodfuel from our arsonist chum Wally Miapin who`s banging on about being Ignite qualified.

We at Ebor Forestry are always open to innovation, as you know, but what is Ignite?

A quick trawl of the interweb revels that those scheming aparatcheks at Yorwoods have a fair hand in it but have transmogrified into a QUANGO which they`ve called a Rural Development Initiative which acts as filter for ERDP finance or something.

This finance is aimed at regenerating rural businesses and in particular the forestry/woodland management sector and in line with national and regional policies dreamed up in cosy Portakabins nestling cosily within the Leeds City Region close to Wheldrake-in-Cambridge is being rolled out across the region with the support of the Regional Development Agency, Yorkshire Forward along with some nice pictures featuring some fat bastards stuffing their faces with fat rascals outside Betty`s in Harrogate.

That`s why 2 Principal Officers of Leeds City Council earning something like £30 000 each attended this heavily subsidised 3 day Ignite course last week aimed at small rural businesses in Yorkshire and learned all about woodfuel.

That`s cleared that up then and now you know all about Ignite!

http://www.yorwoods.org.uk/events/ignite-woodfuel-production-and-supply

Some dogs have died.

2009-10-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

One of our latent correspondents, Wilf Ulneglect, sent us this piece from The Independent recently.

Investigation under way after dogs die in woods
By Rosa Silverman, Press Association
Wednesday, 30 September 2009

An investigation is under way after at least three dogs died and more fell ill after visiting a woodland area, Natural England said today.
The inquiry is looking at whether the use of illegal chemicals in the Sherwood area of Nottinghamshire could be responsible for the deaths, according to the Forestry Commission, which owns the land.
Warning signs have been put up in the woods in Haywood Oaks, notifying dog-owners that animals have fallen ill and advising them to keep their pets on leads.
A spokeswoman for Natural England said: "We have received reports that three dogs and one ferret have died and a further five dogs have been taken ill after being in the vicinity of the woodlands, since the beginning of September.
"We are currently awaiting results of tests to clarify the cause."
There have been no reports of humans falling ill.
It is thought more likely that the deaths resulted from something in the water that occurred naturally, or something transmitted by a mite or tick than from the use of chemicals.
A spokesman for the Forestry Commission said: "We'd be very concerned if illegal chemicals were being used."

What the article failed to mention was that autopsies carried out by DEFRA vets revealed that far from being a case of illegal poisoning several deep external abrasions with associated internal organ damage was commensurate with being run over by mountain bikes.

The FC`s Mountain Bike Development Officer for Haywood Oaks was unable to comment by the time Ebor Forestry had had a word with him.

Latest facile recruitment opportunity from the f***ing Forestry Commission!

2009-10-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

Cycle Development Coach - Bedgebury

As a Cycle Development Coach you will be responsible for developing recreational activities and providing coaching to schools and disabled groups/individuals. You shall work closely with the Bedgebury Forest Cycle Club, to build relationships with the community and maintain and develop facilities. It is also required that you produce reports and propose plans to ensure further funding for the delivery of the Sports England and Cycle Development Plans.

Salary: £11,968 - £14,925 per annum plus benefits, pro rata to full-time equivalent of £21,087 - £26,298

(Thanks to our correspondent, Wally Miapine, somewhere down south for this top vocational tip - Ed.)

Logs for sale, anyone?

2009-10-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

It might be me, but I`m a bit paranoid because I sold a trailer load of half-seasoned sycamore off the back of the Toyota in the pub car park last night.

Mrs Ebor Forestry suggested it hadn`t been certificated or coordinated enough by a qualified woodfuel coordinator who`d been on a Yorwoods course and wasn`t part of an approved rural development initiative.

It`s only a load of logs, for fuck`s sake!

Woodfuel is still shite.

2009-10-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

Here`s some correspondence from our correspondent in South Yorkshire who has corresponded with us recently.

You may like to know that a Forestry Commission worker in South Yorkshire was seen buying firewood from a garage forecourt yesterday afternoon (23 September), somewhere near Brodsworth, Doncaster. Did this purchase coincide, one wonders idly, with the thin pall of smoke seen by all passing along the A1 near Junction 35? Was this anything to do with "Camp Fire Cooking", a training session run by an FC worker as part of the wider Play Yorkshire event being held at Brodsworth Community Forest? Taxpayers have a right to know.

PS Woodfuel is still shite

The debate continues -----

Is it just me, or has woodfuel just got shitter?

2009-09-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

The White Rose Forest have just announced that their bid to employ a Woodfuel Coordinatoriator has come a cropper because the bloke who was offered the job decided instead to take up a post in Belgium as a louche stand-up which is more suited to his talents as a forester and former Regional Chair if the ICF.

Sir Guy de Cleckhuddersfax Tam`san, Project Coordiorinator of the White Rose Forest commented: "That just goes to show you can`t trust anyone who`s ever had anything to do with Lancashire. What a tosser."

Anyway the search is on for yet another woodfuel cordianotoriator for West Yorkshire.

How will we ever cope in the meantime!

Us new favourite pub.

2009-08-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.kirkstile.com/index.html

Since us formerly favourite pub has been despoiled so badly, we would like to share this with our few blogees.

Check out Mrs Ebor Forestry who may be easy to spot against the backdrop of Melbreak in her red Crocks!

Because Mrs Ebor Forestry likes coming here for weekends she says Ebor Forestry will be managing the upland-acidic-oak woodland you can see just beyond the pub as soon as we`ve worked out what an NVC is and bought a book about it.

The perfect pub ruined by a media tart, a helicopter camera crew and a miserable old git.

2009-08-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

Julia bloody Bradbury!

Alfred bloody Wainwright!

Hope you`re bloody satisfied!

Can`t move for bloody tourists!!!!!!

The Dick`s Arms a`top Crispy Thong`s Moor is now de rigeur.

In the absence of any jokes.

2009-08-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

http://www.yorkshirerainforestproject.co.uk/en/default.aspx

Is it just me or is woodfuel shit?

2009-08-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.fey.org.uk/site/Portals/0/downloads/downloads%202/1861%20FEY%20cStudy%20Bioflame%20wo.pdf

Woodfuel!

New market`s! New opportunities! New employment in rural areas! Investment in rural communities!

So why is this plant closing? Because it can`t source enough wood within 10 miles in spite of being within a few yards of the several million, billion, trillion tonnes of softwood rubbish planted by the Forestry Commission in Cropton and Dalby?

Someone`s not thought this through.

And they want the private sector to embrace woodfuel?!!!

Quite possibly one of the worsest links

2009-07-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

We at Ebor Forestry try really hard to take an interest in community forestry and attempt to avail us-selves with the latest interweb based stuff on-line and so on but would be the first to admit that we are rubbish.

We thought we were useless - here`s the best Leeds City Council can offer anyone interested in becoming a Tree Warden - http://www.leeds.gov.uk/fol/treeward.html

Why is it still there, fascinating though it sounds?

Should we tell them or will you?

Ebor Forestry sort of become interested in blogging again sort of

2009-07-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

Ebor Forestry is fully refreshed after its long sojourn amongst the ancient civilisations of South Yorkshire and is working hard to think of new jokes about forestry and that.

Mrs Ebor Forestry has come over all fen Sui and recommends that we thoroughly clean the decks of this blog. Unfortunately, we have tried this before and only managed to lose some of our most amusing japes and scrapes that we know appeal to our much-valued blogee.

Please come back soon.

Welcome back to the Forestry Mountain Bike Commissioners!

2009-06-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

Bugger me. You take a few weeks off and what happens?

In the same week that the FC announce that their flacid publication Forest Life is actually a load of crap that nobody reads and invariably featured a spotty twat on a mountain bike on the cover, the FC have also won the rights to hold The World Falling Off Me Bike and Scuffing Me Shins Championship in our beloved Dalby Forest.

Thanks to several million pounds of public subsidy, the FC have spent years promoting this sport and can afford to invest in endless design consultants, ecological surveys, heritage risk assessments, public health benefit appraisals and god knows what. But all they have done is promote the idea that it`s ok to set off hell-for-leather through your nearest wood regardless.

Ebor Forestry would be pleased to hear from woodland owners suffering from these government sponsored idiots who desecrate ancient monuments and abuse public rights of way so that we can put a stop to this pestilence once and for all.

It wouldn`t be so bad if the buggers could be arsed to cycle up hill for once as if it was a proper sport.

Lazy, useless, ne`r-do-well bastards.

And that`s just the Forestry Commission.

2009-05-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

Honestly, it`s exhausting being Ebor Forestry trying to dream up jokes about forestry in Yorkshire and so we are taking a little rest on our banana farm in Belize.

Come back soon.

In open space no one can still not hear you scream!

2009-04-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

Further to us post of 24 January the FC are persisting with their policy of wiping several decades of earnest forestry endeavour from the map of Britain and subsuming the memories of several generations of foresters under the media-friendly correctness of rare grass and tiny slithery things.

We at at Ebor Forestry urge you to look at http://www.forestry.gov.uk/website/forestry.nsf/byunique/INFD-7LZKKA and take part in its self-destructive survey before it`s too late and our beloved Forestry Commission become the Vast Useless Bits of Grass and Heather Commission or even worser disappear into the maelstrom that is Natural England altogether.

After all, since when was forestry ever natural?

Ebor Forestry have a funny turn or something

2009-04-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

This poem is oft` recited by Mrs Ebor Forestry after too many Pino Ebor Grigios during swanky shareholders do`s in the style of Stanley Holloway after Albert and The Lion with much gesticulation and the appropriate props and usually wearing nothing but a threadbare pair of Simpsons boxer shorts.

It seems to sum up EborForestry.com

'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller,

Knocking on the moonlit door;

And his horse in the silence champed the grasses

Of the forest's ferny floor:

And a bird flew up out of the turret,

Above the Traveller's head

And he smote upon the door again a second time;

'Is there anybody there?' he said.

But no one descended to the Traveller;

No head from the leaf-fringed sill

Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,

Where he stood perplexed and still.

But only a host of phantom listeners

That dwelt in the lone house then

Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight

To that voice from the world of men:

Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,

That goes down to the empty hall,

Hearkening in an air stirred and

Shaken by the lonely Traveller's call.

And he felt in his heart their strangeness,

Their stillness answering his cry,

While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,

'Neath the starred and leafy sky;

For he suddenly smote on the door, even

Louder, and lifted his head:-

'Tell them I came, and no one answered,

That I kept my word,' he said.

Never the least stir made the listeners,

Though every word he spake

Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house

From the one man left awake:

Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,

And the sound of iron on stone,

And how the silence surged softly backward,

When the plunging hoofs were gone.

The Listeners by Walter De La Mare

For more on Stanley Holloway start here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUVzki2j87k with this great Roy Hudd performance!

London Plane sailing

2009-04-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

There has been some criticism recently of the treatment given to these planes in Parliament Street in the centre of York.

Ebor Forestry would like to point out that these awful trees were specified amidst some pomp and ceremony in the early `90s by some now long forgotten landscape architect working from the same planning office which also specified the hated building which became known as the "splash palace" seen here in the middle distance. Instead of becoming an iconic feature of one of the few open spaces left in central York, one of the most intact and extant medieval town centres in Europe, it is in fact nothing more than a public toilet.

Apart from being inappropriate specimens for such a plaza, these trees have been nailed, stapled, plastic-banded, garroted and tied for countless ephemeral reasons dreamed up by the passing whims and fancies of even more forgotten city-centre managers and ward members trying to respond to the latest political vagary.

The bastards.

What would YOU do in the city`s poor arboricultural manager`s shoes?

Exactly.

Countryfile is moving!

2009-03-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

Ebor Forestry doesn`t fancy Matt but would buy Meg a drink or two!

Bugger me. They`re moving Countryfile Crumbly John Craven to the Sunday teatime slot on the moving BBC television.

For the last 20 years me and Mrs Ebor Forestry have enjoyed a mutual Sunday morning sex romp imagining the other as vicariously either John Craven or Ben Fogle or on a bad day that awful woman from Ireland in an anorak.

And now what! They`ve moved the bastard to teatime where they will no doubt promulgate their half-baked, badly researched interpretation of the British countryside designed for 8 year olds to a few more hundred thousand soporifics full of TESCO factory-farmed roast chicken dinners!

Now, I for one am not having rumpy-pumpys with Mrs Ebor Forestry at teatime for anyone using a vicarious former Blue Peter presenter as a sex-aid unless it`s Lesley Judd or John Noakes and I don`t care if it`s Matt whatsisname.

I`d rather have The Archers on a DAB radio whilst enjoying the fruits of Mrs Ebor Forestry`s body.

Or better still, just doze off in front of Midsomer Murders.

Forestry Commission bugger about with the EWGS again!

2009-03-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

The Forestry Commission have announced even more changes to the EWGS which can be viewed at http://www.forestry.gov.uk/forestry/INFD-6myjjh

If we`ve got this right, the FC are now making it easier to qualify for the grants that were available before the FC imposed a new set of rules that made it really difficult for the small woodland owner to qualify for grant aid for before the the FC changed the rules back to nearly how they were before.

I`ll have to consult with Mrs Ebor Forestry about that -

- bugger, she`s gone off to bed all menopausal.

You naughty blogger!

2009-03-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

Do you really want to rub up Her Majesty`s Stationery Office the wrong way?

Ebor Forestry are delighted as always to hear from our chums at the Forestry Commission - that is until now.

Today we received an email from the Head of Paperclips and Ring-binding admonishing us for using the FC logo without permission and threatening us with a visit by some big dudes wearing shades and dark suits and wielding Kevlar clipboards from Her Majesty`s Stationery Office if we didn`t remove the item suggesting that the FC in any way sponsored Ebor Forestry`s blog.

We have duly complied as can be seen by the absence of any suggestion that this blog is sponsored by the Forestry Commission and we would like to apologise for any offence or confusion that may have occurred as a result of our gentle attempts at satire.

After all, we wouldn`t want to offend Her Majesty`s government.

It`s doing such a good job.

RIP Ian Carr

2009-03-01T04:30:00.000-08:00

Ebor Forestry are saddened to learn of the death of British jazz trumpet icon, Ian Carr, who died on 25th February.

Ian Carr, and in particular his band Nucleus, helped form Ebor Forestry`s more serious musical inclinations during our teenage years in the 1970`s.

An obituary can be viewed here http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2009/feb/28/obituary-ian-carr-jazz

Early Nucleus with gravity defying flugelhorn by Ian at 1:46 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgIz1mAOuu8

Sofa forestry

2009-02-27T16:46:00.000-08:00

David Dickinson thinks forestry is a sure-fire investment according to a former Ebor Forestry employee.

Ebor Forestry employ quite a lot of people across the Broad Acres and beyond and we pride ourselves on our equally important opportunities policy and believe in investing in people and stuff but sometimes you realise that someone`s taking the piss.

Our office has a big whiteboard with the various contract managers names down one side against which they can scrawl their planned destinations for the day or if they are on holiday, for example. This gives the office staff half an idea of where they are and therefore coordinate their movements, arrange meetings and so on.

We became suspicious over the regular absence of a certain junior member of staff recently when during the course of a week his movements read as follows:

Monday - 2:00pm, Dickinson`s Plantation.

Tuesday - 3:00pm, Titchmarsh SSSI.

Wednesday - 4:00pm, Midsomer Corpse.

Thursday - 4:40pm, site meeting with Dick and Dom in da Bungalow.

Friday - subcontractors meeting with Tricia and Jeremy Kyle - all day.

The last straw came with the following Monday`s whiteboarded whereabouts:

Monday - 12:30pm, deep ploughing ITV`s Loose Women.

Needless to say the skiving time waster doesn`t work for Ebor Forestry anymore but has apparently gained employment with a forestry investment company called Cash in the Attic.

Woodfuel - more on the virtuous circle

2009-02-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

"Forestry Commission, hello?"

"Hello, it`s Ebor Forestry here and I`d like to talk to whatsisname about how we could contribute to woodfuel supply chains."

"Sorry?"

"Can I talk to thingy about woodfuel?"

"Sorry, I can`t hear you - can someone tell Crispin to turn Barry Manilow down -------- that`s better - what were you saying?"

"Woodfuel supply chains."

"Chains? You want an ironmonger. This is the Forestry Commission, we only do trees."

"No, woodfuel is to do with trees. Can I speak to the woodfuel coordinator?"

"Is he new?"

"Fairly new."

"Oh, that`ll be thingety who we got the new fleece for, I`ll put you through ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hello? Sorry, he`s had to go home, his central heating`s broken."

"Do you know when he`ll be in next?"

"Er, let me look on the whiteboard -------------- hello?"

"Bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzz ------------------------".

Forestry Commission find something to do at last in the Dales

2009-02-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

Tourists trying find their way through the Dales will now have one less landmark to go on thanks to a new government grant.

Regional Director of the Forestry Commission Yorkshire and the Humber, Crispy Thong, said:

"We`ve at last found something for our Woodlands Officer to do which is to do with dormouses and so his white Ford Focus has been replaced with a new style Ford Fiesta. Visitors to the region who`ve been used to navigating by our staff car being parked in the same lay-by near Kilnsey Cragg for several years should be reassured that the Forestry Commission will continue to provide a visible presence in this lay-by and that the National Park Authority will continue to clear up any mess generated by our staff and the dormices."

The Forestry Commission has pledged a grant to give rare dormice more elbow room in the Yorkshire Dales.

Over 1.5 hectares of new woodland is set to take root on the banks of the River Ure opposite Freeholders Wood, near Aysgarth, where the rare mammal was reintroduced to the Dales last year after becoming extinct.

Now nearly £3,000 from the English Woodland Grant Scheme will support an expansion of the dormouse's new domain on private land owned by 72 year-old retired farmer Arthur Lambert, mainly with hazel trees, but also with other species like ash, oak and cherry.

Jeremy Dick, Forestry Commission Woodland Officer for North Yorkshire, said:
"The good news is that the dormice are breeding, so expanding the habitat is a key way of securing the population's future. A bigger colony is a more resilient one, capable of withstanding change such as me finding somewhere else for me lunch and a bit of kip."

Habitat creation and wildlife conservation are important drivers behind the Forestry Commission's English Woodland Grant Scheme in Yorkshire.

The new wood will eventually mirror Freeholders Wood rich mix of coppiced hazel trees, honeysuckle and bramble, which makes it ideal habitat for dormice. When the trees are old enough traditional coppicing will be introduced, maximising the production of hazel nuts, which the dormice feed on. Planting is set to start in the next few weeks.

Phil Hibbs, from the Yorkshire Dales National Park Authority, added:
"Freeholders Wood covers about 12 hectares, so it's crucial we increase the available habitat, especially as we recorded nearly 30 dormice young from the last breeding season. We are also always looking for willing landowners to come forward with potential woodland creation schemes although we won`t hold us breath, the miserable toe-raggs."

The dormouse reintroduction project has been co-ordinated by a range of agencies, including the Yorkshire Dales National Park, the People's Trust for Endangered Species, Natural England and the Peoples Front for the Repopulation of Tiny Rodents. A total of 35 adult dormice were released at the beginning of the project and at the last count just before the hibernation period that figure had expanded to 58.

Ebor Forestry filled all the forms in.

Face My Twitter Book Space

2009-02-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

In spite of the RFS` attempts to dampen any enthusiasm for forestry in young people through its stalled Facebook thing, here are a couple of FB pages that may be of interest to Ebor Foresters.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=6963029150

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2259852714

Various celebrities have also been extolling the virtues of Twitter recently as a means of communication. This is fine so long as your`re a great steaming luvvie queen who went to Cambridge and who`s never off the telly making coy references to anal sex while stuck in a lift and who`s got nothing better to do. Otherwise it`s not much use.

You wouldn`t get a hairy-armed, sweaty-arm pitted, stubble-chinned, Colleen Nolan-fancying, Forestry Commission-baiting forestry consultancy like Ebor Forestry wasting their time on Twitter would you?

What global warming?

2009-02-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

It snowed in London this week.

This of course brought the whole country to a standstill or at least it stopped all those softy southern bastards who live in the south getting into work and making a complete bollocks of the nation`s economy for once and gave the rest of us some respite from their self-serving bungling ineptitude.

Meanwhile, up north Ebor Forestry battled through the snow flake we got in York and made it into work and swiftly set about sending an email to that smirking Paul Hudson off the moving television at paultheweatherman@looknorth.bbc.org informing him that he might like to consider forestry as a career and that judging by his completely useless weather forecasts he would fit in well with the Ebor Forestry ethos.

Once we had vented us spleen at Mr Hudson, our numerous planting gangs started to call in reporting deep snow on pretty well all of Ebor Foresty`s planting contracts across West Yorkshire. This meant we had to hurriedly rearrange our team of highly trained tree establishment teams onto other Ebor Holdings enterprises such as paving over front gardens to provide off-street parking for all the "second car" 4x4`s none of our customers knew how to work properly now that they were needed.

Having reassigned what seemed like half the population of Poland onto meaningful work, we did what what Ebor Forestry knows best which was to pull a nice rug round us legs, slip on some amusing Simpsons slippers we got the Christmas before last and set about writing some COTs.

Just like the Forestry Commission set about an impressive but ultimately misguided planting programme of new conifer forests in all the wrong places in 1919, so now we have the Condition, Opportunity and Threat assessment designed to keep redundant foresters in gainful occupation in 2009.

Check out the FC`s foresters` form-filling fecundity at http://www.forestry.gov.uk/pdf/ewgs-cot.pdf/$FILE/ewgs-cot.pdf

And while we`re on the subject of snow, I have to take exception to the numerous images of snowmen that have been paraded across the local and national media this week.

As an overweight, white, balding bloke with a propensity to wear scarves I am offended by the countless stereotypes that have been presented for public amusement on the moving television and will be sending a stiff missive to Christa Ackroyd in the BBC Look North Newsroom.

IN OPEN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM

2009-01-24T17:10:00.000-08:00

Mrs Ebor Forestry and no.2 daughter discuss whether it`s too wet to broadcast Corsican seed. October 2008. Strensall Common SSSI.

This is quite possibly the most boring document written by the most boring document writer in the Department for Boring Documents ever in the history of The National Museum of Boring Documents, Silsden, West Yorkshire.

But don`t let that put you off.

Here are some of the bureaucratic nothing-speak gems from the Forestry Commission you can enjoy with a bit of fortitude and a stiff drink.

"Although some of the evidence remains uncertain we believe we can gather enough information to make a rationale judgement at a graininess that reflects the precision of the delivery tools at our disposal."

"We will invite relevant Government leads for the delivery mechanisms to express the implications of each option for the delivery mechanism and the likely impact on the desired outcomes and other issues."

"Process evaluation: we will set up other mechanisms by which we will evaluate the process by which the policy is delivered employing criteria such as change in organisational reputation, stakeholder engagement, staff understanding, and transaction costs."

This gobbledygook is, of course, taken from The FC`s Restoration of open habitats from woods and forests: process for developing policy.

And we defy anyone to find it on the FC`s website now.

As enthusiastic FC website surfers, we stumbled across it some time ago and were attracted to the bit about open space which is, of course, an anathema to proper foresters. (In fact, I have known me and Mrs Ebor Forestry walk the dog on Strensall Common SSSI near York while secretively sprinkling Forestart birch seed down our trouser legs!) http://www.forestart.co.uk/

This document is clearly a precursor to a new suite of government guidelines that provide an excuse for not restocking felled areas with productive forest and therefore reduces the government`s grant commitment!

Brilliant!

Anyway, the FC aim to complete their "sharing" of this policy document with stakeholders in March 2009.

Have you been consulted?

Try and find this priceless piece of sh** and bugg** f***ing boll***s at

http://www.forestry.gov.uk/

World News from Ebor Forestry

2009-01-21T02:15:00.000-08:00

We couldn't let this piece of history go by without mentioning that Barack Obama was inaugurated as the first black US President yesterday. Quite what difference this will make to the UK`s forestry industry remains to be seen but funnily enough the Small Woods Association have just announced the first National Beanpole Week from 25 April-3 May 2009.

It`s not known if Mr Obama has been invited to launch it.

"Here we go round the Corsican pine that the Forestry Commission planted on this ancient woodland on a cold and frosty morning."

2009-01-17T15:56:00.000-08:00

The Forestry Commission have managed to pull off one of the best political "spins" in recent years by releasing their Delivery Plan for England's Trees, Woods and Forests while the rest of us were queuing in Argos or fighting over the last parsnip in Tesco during the run up to Christmas.

We at EborForestry can only guess that this was a typically calculated piece of government shenanigans released at a time when they knew that most hard working, credit-crunched foresters would be sat in a traffic jam on York`s outer ring-road trying to deliver the government`s woodfuel strategy by delivering 1/2 a tonne of logs to Mrs Miggins in a clapped out Toyota Hi-lux and would therefore be too preoccupied to pay any attention to the endless emailed press releases advertising ice cream concessions in the New Forest!

Anyway, Mrs Ebor Forestry sat up half the night recently tryimg to work out how her new ring-binding machine worked which I had thoughtfully bought her for Christmas and the document awaits Ebor Forestry`s perusal under the Husqvarna bib and brace PPE which I also thought she might like for those romantic evenings in.

Let us know what you think.

No, I couldn`t be bothered reading it either.

http://www.forestry.gov.uk/newsrele.nsf/AllByUNID/886FA7AA61C6717680257523004B1F4C

Something new for 2009! An award from the RFS!

2009-01-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

The RFS have recently launched a new and shiny Excellance in Forestry Award for 2009.

This award will probably be awarded to some crinckly gent wearing olive green who`s been an RFS member since 1958 but don`t let that stop you submitting your own woodlands to the RFS` estimable perusal.

Being the stout, bronzed, hairy-armed forestry consultancy that we are, Ebor Forestry have written to the organiser of the aforementioned award proposing that Ebor Forestry would be pleased and delighted to sponsor the RFS` venture to the tune of £5 000 provided someone in Yorkshire wins it and that those Geordie bastards in the Great North Forest or those tax payer sponsored twats in Forest Enterprise at Kielder with their endless mountain bike roller-coaster slide things don`t get a sniff.

Or multi-millionaire Simon Howard at Castle Brideshead Howard Revisited Estate.

Or anyone who actually turns up for an RFS meeting Yorkshire.

Go on. Have a go. You don`t have to be an RFS member to join in the fun.

But it helps.

mailto:woodlandcompetition@boyns.net

Do foresters have manly parts?

2009-01-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the sight of naked ladies breasts has proved too much for too many foresters and so we have been forced to remove the offending material from us blog.

Analysis of our visitors revealed that too many were spending less than 5 seconds visiting EF`s blog and we can only assume that our visitors were having minor heart attacks when they realised that naked ladies busters might suddenly be burned onto their employer`s hard-drive and let`s be honest, the only time to enjoy Ebor Forestry is in someone else`s time!

Otherwise, we`re stuck with boring trees and forestry and that.

I, for one, almost starting enjoying compiling us blog. Better think of some forestry jokes instead.

Er -------------

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T04:12:00.000-08:00

Ebor Forestry would like to say Happy New Year to our reader.

Forestry Commission say Merry Christmas

2008-12-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

As we are now well in to the festive period, here`s an absolute bargain from the Forestry Commission. Get yourselves along to any FC forest visitor centre and choose your very own spruce, pine or fir tree. Don`t worry about paying because you`ve already paid for the 7 years skilled tending by professional forestry staff through your taxes. Simply select your tree which will have been pre-cut and walk off back to your car in the car park which you won`t have paid for either because you`ve already paid something like 20% tax.

If you`re worried about the provenance of your tree then don`t be. The Forestry Commission were certified to Foresty Stewardship Council (FSC) standards years ago using public funds before anyone noticed (It`s only recently they`ve started to force the rest of us to pay the private sector for our certification)

And you might want to ask to see their plant health passport before you leave.

In fact, we`d recommend you help yourself to any Forestry Commission Estate Christmas trees so long as it`s only one for personal use.

And you don`t try selling a Transit Pick-up load off Malton market last Saturday.

That would be a bit dodgy.

It`s National Tree Week - hooray!

2008-12-02T15:17:00.001-08:00

Those of us working in the urban forestry sector will know that trees cause untold misery to thousands of people every year. From overhanging branches, shade, leaf-litter in gardens, slippery seed on pavements and lovely new decking, aphid poo staining parked cars to say nothing of when trees become really vicious and start dropping bits onto people, trees represent a real blight on modern society.

So why is it that every year armies of people across the country shoulder their spades and venture forth to shove yet more of the woody bastards into the most ridiculous of urban spaces?

Tree planting is of course a relatively quick and easy way of proclaiming your green credentials regardless of the long term social cost. For example, how many fine views of the rolling hills, valleys and TK MAX have been lost to the good people of Ashby de la Zouche because of the inexorable rise of the National Forest. And how on earth are commuters supposed to find junction 7 on the M5 round Leicester with all that boring NVC lowland mixed broadleaved transport corridor woodland planting that no one will ever manage properly.

Similarly, around Durham you can hardly move for trees and woods but you try get planning permission for a TESCO EXPRESS what with all the European Protected Species that have moved in, the bastards.

Leeds, though, has a more enlightened attitude to urban forestry.

You want a new tennis centre?

No problem just clear all that native woodland planting the council did 5 years ago and off you go.

You want a new sports centre?

Fantastic, just fell all that woodland we panted in 1987 and the job`s good `un.

What`s that? You need 2 new amateur football pitches. Simple, fell that wood we only just got the grant for last September and Bob`s Your Uncle.

Leeds, of course, has enthusiastically embraced Trees for Cities as a partner organisation in spite of the authority having its own worthy but underfunded Forest of Leeds Project for the last 15 years. So much so, that Leeds has hosted 2 annual Tree-athlon`s where you can enjoy a Sunday morning run around one of its country parks and raise money for urban tree planting and as you gasp across the finish line you are handed a cell-grown oak.

Great!

But wait. What`s Trees for Cities advice about planting your oak tree? Plant it in a bucket and shove it on your lovely new decking!

Trees for Cities, eh.

Knobheads.

Leeds City Council, eh.

Bigger knobheads.

For more shit ideas about planting trees where they`re going to really, really piss someone off in 40 years time go to http://www.treesforcities.org/

It`s easily done, though.

2008-11-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

Further to the previous post, we`d like to clear up any confusion surrounding our very own Glynn Garner, former Director of the ISA (UK and Ireland Chapter) and currently notable person in Yorkshire forestry and the popular TV presenter and enthusiast for Italian Renaissance architecture, Count Francesco Da Mosta.

Sorry.

The Return of The Twig

2008-11-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

We almost received an email recently asking about the whereabouts of our tame forester, The Twig.

Some say, he has sired at least 3 Forestry Commission Regional Directors.

Others, that he uses bio-chain oil as a lubricant during mating.

All we know is, he`s called The Twig.

Unfortunately, comparisons have been drawn between The Twig and an entirely fictitious character created for the light entertainment programme Top Gear on the moving television and so we thought it best to keep our silvicultural homunculous out of the spotlight for a while.

Now, though, we feel that time is right to release The Twig once again and more so since the wretched creature has got married to the lovely Mrs Twig who has taken up post as Ebor Forestry`s resident aboreal agony aunt.

Look out for more features featuring The Twig.

2008-11-26T03:46:00.000-08:00

http://w3.upm-kymmene.com/upm/forestlife/index.html

Check out the above link to Tilhill Forestry`s website. This explains more about sustainable forestry to the casual visitor than all the Forestry Commission visitor centres and website put together and not a mountain biker in sight!

Woodfuel - the virtuous circle.

2008-11-18T15:42:00.000-08:00

"Hello, Forestry Commission, Yorkshire and the Humber, how can I help?"

"Hello, it`s Ebor Forestry here and I`d like some advice about coordinating some woodfuel supply chains and diversifyng wildlife habitats. I don`t want to spin the issue but I`d like to be involved in the virtuous circle please."

"Mmmmm - it sounds like you need to speak to our brand new shiny woodfuel coordinator. I`ll try and put you through."

"Thanks."

(Long pause)

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Sorry to keep you waiting, I found him outside signing for a delivery for some gasoil for our Portacabins and the golf course next door. I`ll put you through."

"bbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzz--------------"

"I`m a fire starter, twisted fire starter --------!" The Prodigy from Poppleton.

2008-11-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

AN ENVIRONMENTALLY-CONSCIOUS York resident has taken up a new post to bang the drum about the benefits of using wood as a renewable fuel in Yorkshire and the Humber.
Rudie Humphrey, 36, of Poppleton, has been appointed as the first regional co-ordinator for wood fuel by the Forestry Commission and Yorkshire Forward.
Mr Humphrey’s task will be to exploit the region’s 230,000 acres of woodland, over half of which is under-managed, say forest chiefs.
They point out it could be capable of yielding a sustainable output of timber to reduce reliance on fossil fuels.
A keen drummer in his spare time, Mr Humphrey runs music nights at York City Screen, but his day-job is to get more people, firms and organisations to tune into the wonder of wood. He explained: “Most people who have looked at the issue can see there’s an amazing opportunity to expand the wood fuel market.
“Rising energy costs have focused minds and using timber makes as much economic as environmental sense. The key is to get more woods into management with a cycle of regular planting and felling to ensure a good sustainable timber supply.
“But for some people the idea of chopping down trees and burning them goes against the grain, even if new trees are planted.
“In reality, doing so actually helps wildlife by opening up the tree canopy and diversifying habitats. We don’t need to spin the issue to realise that wood fuel could be a very virtuous circle.”
He said: “By knitting together wood fuel initiatives running across the region, we can maximise our efforts and ensure success is copied elsewhere.”
There are currently 44 wood fuel boiler sites across the region producing enough power to heat 1,300 homes, plus offices, libraries and schools. They range from green power plants at Swinton Park Hotel, near Ripon, to the recently completed multi-million pound council offices in Barnsley.

(York Press 17 November 2008)

John Craven`s Newsfilecountryround

2008-11-16T16:31:00.000-08:00

"And here`s the countryside news for 8 year olds --------"

Me and Mrs Ebor Forestry normally love John Craven`s Newscountryroundfile on the moving television not least because it means we`re usually eating a bacon sandwich and a nice egg after having some nice Sunday morning rumpy-pumpys.

But this morning, the producers of Newsroundfilecountry managed to include a feature of such banal brain numbing banality courtesy of our chums at Natural England, that Mrs EF left a good six inches of rind on her plate.

Apparently, Natural England employ a GP and some young post-graduate floozy who looked like she needed a good wash, to monitor the effects of being outside in the country on people`s well-being. Their research showed that seeing some green stuff in a field and being with goats lowered their blood pressure and engendered a feeling of well-being.

For fuck`s sake.

What these bone-heads failed to mention is that farming has one of the highest suicide rates of any industry due to rural isolation, economic problems, marital and familial strife, lack of affordable housing and poor employment prospects and the pressure of setting up vacuous experiments for Natural England, no doubt!

Natural England? Useless tossers!

Speaking of tossing, we did quite like Ben Fogel`s piece on the Alternative Highland Games. Now that`s what I call hard-hitting rural journalism.

It`s nearly as good as The Archers on the wireless.

Mrs Ebor Forestry welcomes RPA decision!

2008-11-11T15:53:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Harry Patch, last British survivor of Passchendale,

who made all this nonesense possible.

Mrs Ebor Forestry raises a tankard to the RPA!

Ebor Forestry have finally got their SBI number from the RPA!

Hooray!

We got a letter today telling us our SBI but we must activate it by calling the RPA with our inside leg measurement, our mother`s Christian name, the initials of the bass player from the 1976 line-up of Gong, the bra cup size of the lovely Colleen Nolan off of ITV`s Loose Women and a number known only to ourselves (which would, of course, be Colleen Nolan`s bra cup size so that`s not much of security code is it?)

We haven`t tried activating our SBI yet because we couldn`t be bothered but when we do we`ll let you know what happens.

Let`s just see if the Forestry Commission can stop us claiming any grants now, the bastards!

Seed gathering again.

2008-11-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

At a time when Ebor Forestry should be busy licking the envelopes full of forms that we know assorted government useless bastard agencies will be sending back to us because they can, Ebor Forestry have again been dragged into our local government client`s annual seed gathering events in the darkest of dark Yorkshire urban forests.

Unfortunately, this event involves the 3 things Ebor Forestry hate the most.

Namely, children, trees and trying to pretend to children that we like trees.

The bastards.

Trees, that is, not the children who are all angels.

Here`s a selection of what they said this year (all true):

"Me dad shot a deer down here with me uncle".

"We set fire to that down there again on bonfire night."

"Do you own these woods?" (Why?) "`cos me dad`s had the slates off that lodge."

"Are you here everyday, `cos me brother might see you later on if you like."

"Are we going near the canal where all the murders are?" (No) "Good. Is this an acorn?" (Yes)"Cool".

TMS users forum - an update.

2008-10-30T19:22:00.001-07:00

My PDA doesn`t work.

Sorry to hear that. What`s the problem?

It doesn`t turn on.

Did you take it outside?

No. I just picked it up and pressed the "ON" button and nothing happened.

You picked it up! PDA`s don`t like being picked up and if you take it outside it won`t work.

I didn`t, I just tried to turn it on.

Was it in its "ruggedised" case?

Yes.

Had it been "on-charge" overnight?

Yes.

Are you sure it hadn`t been taken outdoors by mistake?

Yes, it`s been in my desk drawer.

Well there you go, then.

What?

PDA`s in ruggedised cases don`t like being in drawers.

So, where should I keep it, then?

Somewhere safe and secure with an ambient room temperature would be ideal.

Like in a drawer?

Perfect.

Where does it work, be honest?

Do you know Wales at all -----------------?

It`s "bat" time of year again - boo!

2008-10-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

"I`m coming to GET YOU!"

Having got it so wrong about dormouses, we though this might be a timely time to set the record straight about that other well-loved but misunderstood little rodent, the native bat.

According to the British Bat Conservation Trust for the Conservation of British Bats, there are ninety three billion bats in the UK, most of them where Ebor Forestry are working usually.

Their rarity therefore affords them protection under the European Habitat Regulations which makes it an offence to start a chainsaw within echo-location distance of a bat without a full bat survey ie Europe.

What with it being Halloween and everything, bats are at their most active at this time of year so tree managers need to be especially careful as do steeplejacks and vicars. Here are a few facts about bats:

Bats like nothing more than getting tangled in human hair.
Bats are scary little fuckers with a nasty bite and carry rabies, Weils Disease and measles.
Echo-location was invented in 1941 by "the back-room Johnnies".
UK industry loses 94 million man days per year eg "I`ve got a bad bat."
Bats love to cause trouble by bringing stuff to a standstill.
During a good summer and autumn, an average bat will consume the equivalent weight in insects to a small child.
During a poor summer and autumn, the average bat will consume a small child.

The important thing to remember for foresters and arborioliologits is to exercise caution in relation to potential bat habitation. The little bleeders could be anywhere.

For example, Ebor Forestry were once dismantling a 200 year old ash having carried out thorough, documented bat surveys for the previous 4 weeks and had the ok from Natural England to proceed. Suddenly, all 26 species of native bat popped their little heads up and started fluttering about trying to get at my hair, an otter shot up me trouser leg, a sand lizard slithered down me arm and as I fell out of the tree, I`m sure I saw the two little black eyes of a dormouse watch me plummet earthwards.

Anyway, that`s bats for you.

Trouble causers.

An apology to dormice and their fans.

2008-10-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

"Just don`t mention the dormouse. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it."

Amongst all the media furore about 2 over-paid, over-rated, narcissistic fops leaving dirty messages on the bloke who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers` answer machine, Ebor Forestry have managed to upset a dormouse enthusiast in London.

We are, of course, delighted (not to have upset anyone) but to find out that someone actually reads this rubbish.

We are therefore pleased to publish our corespondent`s comments on the subject of dormouses - sorry, dormices - dormice.

Dear Sir

I was forwarded a copy of your blog regarding the reintroduced dormice in Yorkshire and felt that it wasn’t entirely accurate in its representation of the consequences of the dormouse release.

In the first instance dormice are a native animal that were present in Yorkshire, certainly in Victorian times, and probably up to the 1960’s. Woodland fragmentation led to their local extinction over the past 50 years and as they are an arboreal animal they would be highly unlikely to be able to re-establish populations in isolated woods. This inability of the species to naturally repopulate areas initiated the dormouse reintroduction programme which has now been running since 1993 and has seen dormice reintroduced to 16 sites in the counties of the midlands and northern England.

In all instances the owners of the woodlands have been keen to have the opportunity to provide sites for the reintroduction of a locally extinct mammal and have generally continued with woodland management that is essential for the long term survival of local dormouse populations.

In North Yorkshire there are currently three known populations, all of which have been reintroduced. If there is any woodland within 3 miles of any of these sites they should be managed appropriately for dormice. However dormice live quite happily in working coppiced woodland and management sympathetic to dormouse could also be considered to be good working practice.

Simple guidelines to follow for a small woodland owner would be:

- undertake any tree or coppice work between November and March

- coppice in small blocks

- avoid felling more than one third of an area of habitat

- where possible extract timber by forwarder rather than skidder

- retain arboreal connection between coppice blocks

- cut ride-side scrub only in winter

- keep fire sites, paths and trackways to a minimum.

The presence of dormice to Yorkshire should be a cause for celebration not a cause for concern. If their presence encourages woodland owners to either initiate or continue good practice, this should be a positive result to anyone interested in woodland management.

Kind regards
(Name and address supplied)

So think on.

For more information about the dormouse and how to prepare it with a selection of tasty seasonal vegetables look out for Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall`s new book The Native Rodent.

How can we help the small woodland owner even more?

2008-10-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

"I don`t want to cause any trouble and I never wanted to come here in the first place. I`m only little, me."

"Hello, is that the Forestry Commission?"

"Depends, are you making a complaint?"

"Er, no."

"That`s ok then, how can I help?"

"I`d just like to check I`m ok to carry on cutting that old hazel coppice as per WGS ref. no 012004437."

"Just looking you up on the database --------------- there might be a problem in that part of the Dales -----."

"Why? I`ve started a business with an FC grant cutting old hazel coppice and restoring native broadleaved woodland and bought a charcoal kiln and everything and the FC have a downloadable pdf on their website about how good it all is."

"Trouble is, someone`s released some dormice in that area and we`ll need to see a full dormouse survey before we can approve your felling proposals."

"What do you mean? There aren`t any dormice in North Yorkshire, they`re only native in Kent or Sussex or somewhere."

"According to the Woodlands Officer for your area someone in a green polo shirt has let them go and they are now breeding successfully and are a European Protected Species and he watches Countryfile so it must be right."

"Bugger. I`d better go and do a survey for dormouses, then."

"Dormice, not dormouses."

"Fuck off."

More on the Rural Payments Agency

2008-10-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

"RPA was established in 2001 as an executive agency of DEFRA as the single paying agency responsible for CAP schemes in England and other schemes throughout the UK. We are a customer-focused organisation that pays valid claims accurately and on time, and we work closely with DEFRA on policy decisions to develop and improve our payment delivery.
We employ people at a range of locations: at our corporate headquarters in Reading, offices in Exeter, Northallerton and Newcastle-upon-Tyne and in smaller offices around the country. We look for people who identify with our aims and have specialist skills. Our customer focus also demands good communication and interpersonal skills because people often ring us up who are really, really, dreadfully pissed-off."

RPA website 2008

The RPA have now sent our form back for one of Ebor Forestry`s largest local authority clients for the third time because the legally entitled signatory named on the form doesn`t correspond with their records in spite of the fact that on the same form we have informed them that the legally entitled signatory has now retired and the new legally entitled signatory is Mr X and thus replaces the previous legally entitled signatory who was a Mrs Z and by the way Mr X hasn`t signed part F to confirm that Parts A to E are correct and that Mrs Z is now Mr X.

I of course immediately sent the relevant dog-eared, coffee-cup stained document to the relevant senior officer of the local authority for the appropriate signature so that we can continue playing our bureaucratic games with our chums at Crockery Hill and at least have a go at doing some forestry again.

I am now informed that the bone-headed idiots at L---s City Council (Live it. Love it) have lost the aforementioned RPA Creg001 form and that it never reached Mr X after all and could we send another form for signing.

If only we were on piece work for form filling in.

Has anyone got a black Biro?

2008-10-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

Today, Ebor Forestry`s team of arborioliologits spotted a Ganoderma fruit body on a fuck-off beech on the edge of one of our local authority client`s woods. Further inspection revealed the advanced presence of Ustulina deusta. The tree has a natural bias towards a busy junction with traffic lights and stationary traffic.

Because of the tree`s size and age, it`s possible that some bats might be whiling away the hours in this tree before it`s time to go to sleep for the winter.

Ebor Forestry want to fell the tree before it`s roots give up sending 5 tons of hardwood timber earthwards onto a minibus of disabled children parked innocently waiting for a green light or some similar awful scenario such as a stretch-Hummer full of one-legged Iraq veterans from Rotheram on their way to an interview with Harry Gration and Christa Ackroyd for BBC`s Look North.

Now, because all bat species in the UK are protected by European law, there is a delay while a trained bat expert is found who can monitor the tree for emerging bats so that we can comply with European Habitat Regulations.

It`s Friday teatime and everyone to do with trees and bats are in the 3 Legged Mare in York with their phone`s switched off enjoying their third pint of Centurion Ale.

What should you do?

Join in Ebor Forestry`s latest poll and enjoy the adrenalin rush that is urban forestry.

TMS - an update.

2008-10-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

Integrated Tree Management System.

Sound`s good doesn`t it. Ebor Forestry thought we`d have one of them.

A way of integrating cutomer enquiries, tree surveys, GIS technology, database recording and financial outputs, all on a web based tool that will facilitate maximum flexibility for your tree management teams whilst achieving optimum ouputs for your clients.

Sounds great! How much is it?

£76 000.

Is it really?

No, its more like well over £100 000 with all the pratting about.

What do we get for our money and how will it make our lives easier?

You get these swanky PDA things in ruggerised cases which mustn`t get wet or taken outside otherwise they don`t work and mustn`t be dropped or thrown across the office for being useless piles of tat or used anywhere near trees which might interfere with the satelite connection.

Sounds just the sort of useless bollocks Ebor Forestry could be interested in. Tell me more.

Well, we have a really useful TMS Users Forum on our website where you can exchange ideas with other TMS users.

Great. How many TMS Users Forum members are there?

Er - you and me, at the moment.

Tell me the truth, TMS is shite, isn`t it.

No, I disagree, we are working towards providing our clients with a genuinely user-friendly, customer facing, integrated tree management system that maximises the potential of the latest GIS/internet technology.

It doesn`t work, does it.

Er - no.

It`s crap, isn`t it.

Er - yes.

What is it?

Useless bollocks.

At last. Where do we send the cheque?

For more useless web-based pratting about, type in Exegesis in your search bar on the interweb but I probably wouldn`t bother if I were you.

Hello!

2008-10-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=u1hiGhJv2oo

For foresters of a certain age and to celebrate Blue Peter`s 50th birthday, here`s the lovely Lesley Judd on holiday with Pete and John.

Why not?

The Rural Payments Agency and Land Registration

2008-10-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

That was sneaked in, wasn`t it, you bastards.

Suddenly we have to have our land registered otherwise we may as well not bother.

I have now lost count of the number of times I`ve sent form this and form that to the RPA and spoken to a nice chap and/or lady at the RPA in order to get our Single Business Identifier without which we can`t talk sense to our chums at Crockery Hill which is all we`ve ever wanted to do and carry on with Ebor Forestry`s proud tradition of providing easily accessible and multi-functional forestry.

But now we can`t because the form`s not right.

Or the map`s not right.

Or we`re not registered.

Or it was the wrong sort of felt tip on the plan.

Or we can`t accept your plan but we will send you a plan that we like from our plan people and if you could mark your boundary even though we know the boundary already.

Or we can`t accept your plan because the subcpt. boundary has been marked using a line greater than 8mm even though it was otherwise a lovely plan lovingly approved by our plan people and which was sent to you by us.

BEST OF ALL THOUGH!

We won`t pay you your last instalment of a half-a-bob of annual management grant on your tiny little wood unless your land is registered with the RPA even though we signed a legal contract 5 years ago to pay you half a crown in thru`penny bits.

Why do we bother!

For more information about how useful the RPA can be go to

http://www.warmwell.com/rpa.html

Brideshead Revisited Theme Park gets more free government publicity in addition to their EWGS grants

2008-09-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

It was a normal Ebor Forestry Sunday morning and we arose wearily having given Mrs Ebor Forestry "one" and thrashed the children with a sprocket off the rotator of a 1986 mini-Brunnett forwarder as we sat down with a black pudding, mushroom and ketchup sandwich to watch His Headingley Holiness John Craven hosting Countryfile on the moving television.

Our disgust of us breakfast was matched only by the following interview by His Headingleyness` with the Head Forester of Brideshead Revisited Estate amongst the park`s clapped out veteran trees.

"So, Nick, why have you kept these trees?"

"They`re quite old, John"

"And what makes them so special, Nick?"

"They`re quite old, John, and things live in them."

"Wouldn`t they have some value though, Nick, if you felled them?"

"Yes they would have value, John, but they also have value because they`re old, John, and things live in them."

"Thanks very much, Nick."

"Ta."

WELCOME TO EBOR FORESTRY!

2008-09-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

As you know, Ebor Forestry talk a lot of bollocks about forestry in Yorkshire and are trying really, really hard not to mention Colleen Nolan or her siblings.

You, dear blogster, may have another opinion and think that we at EF are just full of pointless shit. In that case, you can tell it like it is by joining Ebor Forestry`s blog simply by registering your googlemail account and sending us an email. This will make you a shareholder in Ebor Forestry and entitled to vote at our AGM as well as receiving our Welcome Gift Pack and an evening out in Betty`s in York with our tame forester, The Twig.

Go on - what have you got to lose?

Email us with any better ideas at eborforestry@googlemail.com

Yorkshire Forward throw money away again!

2008-09-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

Apparently, there`s the best part of a million quid floating round somewhere thanks to Yorkshire Forward which is aimed at helping woodland managers bring their woodlands back into management on the promise of some nefarious marketing about woodfuel/biomass/climate change carbon off-setting or some shit.

Well, it`s all bollocks.

If they`d bothered to ask Ebor Forestry about some of the inaccessible shit-holes we have to deal with then YF and the bonehead who wrote the Regional Forestry Strategy might have had a better idea of some of the constraints we at the sharp end have to work under.

How convenient that all those FE plantations that have been carefully tended and managed thanks to tax payers money now have access to a high volume/low product quality market.

On the other hand, just quite what this new incentive offers the beleaguered isolated, small woodland owner beats us. Once we`ve paid several consultants with a variety of clipboards to survey our woods bats, dormice, rare grass, newts, badgers, slime mould, butterflies, birds, small mammals AND engaged the local community in a thorough consultation exercise, that will leave us about 50p to fell, convert, extract, haul and process the required volume to a pretty tight product specification

When you consider that felling, conversion, extraction, haulage and processing all involves big hairy blokes using a variety of petrol/diesel/oil powered machinery, the economic and carbon footprint calculations start to look a bit daft, don`t they, and that`s just keeping the the hairy bastards fed with Ebor Meat Products.

And aren`t we all supposed to leave a "healthy" quantity of deadwood in the forest after harvesting for habitat?

But what do I know?

No one listens to me --------------

Foresters are boring

2008-09-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that foresters are boring.

Not that anyone really needed to tell us over here at suburbaneborforest, a sub-regional off-shoot of suburbanforest. We have been beavering away in one corner of the caravan for the past few months on a research project on this very topic. With a little cash from SITA, some borrowings form Yorkshire Forward Investment Banking and a merino wool scarf to keep out the worst of the draughts, we set Dr. Connie Furze to work on yet another post-post doctoral thesis.

The findings will be published shortly on www.imaselfobsesseddustymegalomaniac.ac.uk/research/furze/bullshitIn idle conversation over a quick mug of Camp coffee while we were waiting for her GWizz to charge up on the Zigg, Connie finally spewed a few choice nuggets from her academic gullet.

"Foresters spend a lot of time alone with a spray can, fantasising about large machinery. This is obviously a profession which draws in those who, by dint of their first view of the naked mother in youth as a castrated male, pine for the fetish to replace the lost genitalia."

"Or they're all pompous cocks" came the voice from the chemical toilet cupboard, into which Bud was squeezed, seeing off the last of a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream as he wrestled papers from the filing cabinet therein. Still bitter at being snubbed on his seventh attempt with the ICF, his joy in shouting "Cock" for the nineteenth time that afternoon remained unalloyed.

Connie went on. " We have questionnaired 208 leading foresters in the North of England. Although seventeen replies, an 8.17 percent return, is not a statistically valid sample of the forester population, we have enough coherent data to make some scientific assumptions about the respondents' profiles. And it seems from a primary sift of the database, with corrections applied, that they're all pompous cocks."

So there you have it.

From the horse's mouth.

It`s a fact.

Cocks.

Posted by Wally Miapine at 1:01:00 PM 1 comments

With friends like these, I wouldn`t invest in Ebor Forestry either.

2008-09-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

The Lehmann Brothers:"Just don`t give us no money or nuffink or we won`t never nail your pelvis to Armscliffe Cragg".

Ebor Forestry has been doing some navel-gazing recently and has decided that it`s time for another poll.

Our marketing team, Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, have been toiling in their underground bunker beneath the fags and Lo`ery kiosk at TESCO`s on Clifton Moor and have come up with several options for the rebrandishment of or for Ebor Forestry`s blog.

Check out all the options on the right.

A member of our marketing team may be contacting you shortly via email or The Twig and the Lehmann Brothers might just turn up at your house.

Just make sure you`re out and don`t reply to eborforestry@googlemail.com if you don`t want nothing to do wiv it.

Dark Matter and Rabelais

2008-09-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

While we ponder the end of humanity thanks to our chums at CERN in (sorry) under Switzerland when they turn on the Large Hadron Collider we thought you might like to check out What`s The Twig Watching sent to us by his nephew, Higgs Boson, who to be honest, we thought was pricing up some ludicrously expensive crown lifting in County Durham for Network Rail.

It just goes to show you, you sub-contract them an inch and they drag us all into a black hole.

For no apparent reason, I wonder what Age of Reason and general nuisance Rabelais would have made of it all

Makes you think, dun`t`it, like.

Ebor Forestry announce new negotiations with several partners and are fairly positive about the future for Ebor Forestry

2008-08-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Ebor Forestry are pleased to announce that new negotiations are proving quite positive with potential partners.

"These are difficult times" Mr Ebor Forestry announced to nobody in particular.

Please bare with us while we update Ebor Forestry`s blog!

2008-08-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Ebor Forestry are exhausted just reading the Forestry Commission`s latest guidance notes about all sorts of stuff and are dreaming up new ways of taking the piss.

Mrs Ebor Forestry says we should just wait and see what the Regional Forestry Strategy tells us to do next or wait for a phone call from a Regional Development Initiative Project Manager who has access to a clipboard and PowerPoint technology.

In the meantime, we`ll just sit here with this nice blanket over our legs, sipping Heinz Tomato Soup watching a nice Cary Grant DVD now that ITV`s Loose Women has finished for the summer hols.

There`s fuck-all else to do while it pisses down outside.

Ebor Forestry`s urban forestry myths - no.1

2008-08-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

Vince "Vince Carter" Carter, Regional Forestry Strategy Manger, sold a double 99 with sprinkles to Brian Moseley just before he was famously thrown off the multi-storey car park in Gateshead by Michael Caine in one of Get Carter`s iconic scenes.

Vince remembers:"He was a very nice man and I had a holiday job with me dad selling ice creams to the cast and crew and this big, fat bloke walked over and bought a 99 with 2 flakes and sprinkles and gave me an extra bob (5p) and I didn`t see him after that. I don`t think they really threw him off the car park because he turned up as Alf Roberts in Corrie. I think they threw one of me dad`s cousins off instead who needed the money."

Don`t forget to celebrate Yorkshire Day on 1st August!

2008-07-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

We asked several well known personalities in Yorkshire forestry what Yorkshire means to them.

"You what - it`s wicked init, like, Yorkshire and that and like, Yorkshire - yeah, it`s stoncking and me mates think it`s banging an` all." Crispy Thong, Regional Director, Forestry Commission.

"Sublime, especially the bits near us." The Rt. Hon. Simon Howard.

"I`d like to wholeheartedly agree with whatever it was Crispy said." Nigel Rylance, Grants and Licenses Thingy Manager, Forestry Commission.

"Brilliant! All those hills, dales and wolds just ripe for some nice biomass planting." Will Richard`s Son, Director, Yorwoods.

"Be careful! It depends how you define Yorkshire within a green infrastructure context. Yes, there are trees and woods in towns and there are trees and woods in the countryside but where is the dividing line and does the dividing line exist? Do we want there to be a dividing line at all? We won`t know until I`ve finished my masters degree and published Glenn`s Big Book of Woods and Trees with a foreword by Dr. Alan Sim`san. Until then, fuck off, I`m far too busy walking the dog on the Chevin and shopping for Lady Sarah`s curried curry at Waitrose during my study days." His Otleyness, Glenn Corner.

"What does Yorkshire mean to me? Rhubarb sheds, Beryl Burton on her bike, the sun setting over the Seven Hills of Morley, Jane McDonald in a thong pole dancing in a Wakey nightclub and a nice pint of Yorkshire mead brewed by the monks of Morley Monastery." John "Mad from Morley" Budders, Arb. Officer, Leeds City Council.

"A long way away." James Jesson (Private) 2nd Yorkshire Fusiliers Territorials, B Troop and part-time handyman/driver for Ebor Forestry, Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Email us about Yorkshire. Email us about forestry. Email us about Yorkshire forestry.

Ebor Forestry are taking a rest.

2008-07-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ebor Forestry are busy taking a well deserved rest from the cut and thrust of forestry consultancy in Yorkshire and writing bollocks about it all on this blog.

At this time of year we would normally of course have been sharing a holiday with the Forestry Commission on their narrow boat up the Leeds-Liverpool Canal but it was fully booked by the team at Yorwoods and the White Rose Forest.

Instead we`ve been elsewhere for us hols and can honestly say that the Peak District National Park is like an average bit of Yorkshire. I`ve seen better hills and dales walking to the Co-Op near us (and that`s in York) Rubbish.

Any road, while we scratch us bums and think of new stuff why not check out what our tame charge-hand forester, The Twig, is watching on YouTube.

Institute of what -----------?!

2008-02-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

http://www.iprow.co.uk/index.php?page=page&catId=1

Here`s some more bollocks.

It`s a footpath.

It goes from A to B.

How hard can it be?

When Ebor Forestry was a lad, we`d go walking all over and would be disappointed if we didn`t come across an old fridge blocking us way or some nice barbed wire to get stuck on or some rickety old stile with nails sticking out we could graze us knees on.

And we`d still be home safe and sound for tea.

Even if it was brisket with the string still on and mash in watery gravy with cabbage.

You try telling that to IPROW and they wouldn`t believe you.

Bastards.