Ebor Forestry

Free car parking my a****.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 08:00:00 +0000

New Discovery Pass arrives at Haldon Forest (15/12/2009)

The Forestry Commission’s Discovery Pass is now available at Haldon Forest Park.

The new pass costs £20 and in return holders will get 12 months free parking at Haldon Forest Park, a quarterly e-newsletter packed full of interesting news and information as well as a range of other discounts and offers. These include a 10% discount at the Ridge Café as well as selected seasonal offers, 20% off Go Ape and 10% off cycle hire at Forest Cycle Hire (excludes July and August). There will also be occasional offers of discounts on events run by the Centre for Contemporary Art & The Natural World

Since when did handing over £20 constitute "free parking"? (In fact it`s more at other Forests)

Disingenuous bastards.

New look to us blog

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:56:00 +0000

We hope you like the new look Ebor Forestry blog. We think the faded, yellowing edges and general dirty browness reflects our attitude towards life in the urban forest quite well.

Ebor Forestry AGM

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:28:00 +0000

We try really hard month after month after month to provide an amusing alternative to the turgid output of FC press releases and countless E-News`s`s`s from the likes of the Woodland Trust, Royal Forestry Society, Small Bloody Woods Bloody Association, Yorkshire Woodfuel Burners etc etc and Ebor Forestry has to inhale a collective sigh and think why do we bother?

But occasionally we receive a missive that rekindles our faith in Yorkshire Forestry even though it`s mostly rubbish gibberish, like.

I've let the "stop illegal logging in the wolds collective" (York branch) know that the plans have changed and they've very kindly agreed to rearrange their peaceful, non-violent protest for the January date. I must add that this was at some inconvenience to the collective as their original plan was to bombard shareholders with ripe appellation controlee camembert - a symbolic but humorous protest highlighting the parallel plight of the Northern French artisan cheesemakers suffering from the globalisation of soft cheese production. The camembert has already been bought, is ripe and good to throw. I understand that after a somewhat protracted plenary of the East Riding Anarchist gathering it has been decided to place the camembert on the rails leading to Drax in the hope that the Christmas coal delivery will lose traction, the lights will go out and that people left in the dark for a while will reject consumerism, ipods, interwebs, alcopops and instead wander off down to the pub for a decent pint of hand pulled ale and a game of doms. In which case I plan to get into the donkey early to avoid the rush.

Seasons greetings

(Anon)

Thanks to Anon and we look forward to welcoming him or her into the Ebor Forestry Fold on 22nd January.

For more details about how you could become an Ebor Forester please send details of your annual salary expectation and bra size to eborforesry@googlemail.com

NEW VACANCIES WITH EBOR FORESTRY

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:26:00 +0000

http://www.whiteroseforest.org.uk/What-We-Do/Video.aspx

Here`s a selection of recent interviews Ebor Forestry conducted on behalf of the White Rose Forest Partnership for the post of Tea-room Attendant at The Chevin Forest Park, Hotten, Emmerdale.

If anyone has half an idea what any of them were on about please let us know.

How complicated can you make serving some Yorkshire Tea and scones, for Goodness sake?!

Happy 90th birthday Forestry Commission!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:51:00 +0000

Today, 8 December, the Forestry Commission celebrates 90 years of successfully managing the public forest estate. This anniversary holds particular significance in Devon as it all began in Eggesford Forest within the Taw Valley.It was on this day in 1919 that Lord Clinton, a newly appointed Commissioner of the Forestry Commission planted its first trees, some of which still stand in the forest today. Over the last 90 years the commission has grown from this to an organisation, which today cares for 827,000 hectares of sustainably managed woods, plants 17 million trees every year and employs 3000 people. It is also the biggest provider of recreation in the country and is heavily involved in working to lessen the impact of climate change.

(FC press release 8 December 2009)

That`s funny. I was always led to believe by the Forestry Commission itself that it planted it`s first trees at Thornthwaite near Keswick which is IN THE NORTH near the top of the UK.

So, fuck off Lord Bloody Lardy-dah Clinton,

Climate Change, eh?

Bet you didn`t see that fucker coming, did you?

Forestry Commission call for expansive tree planting to combat climate change!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:59:00 +0000

In amongst the vacuum of Yorkshire forestry something occasionally happens that makes us at Ebor Forestry stop and think.

Only five weeks to Christmas.

Shit.

5-4-3-2-1 Thunderbirds are go!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:51:00 +0000

All we need now are some foresters to drive the fuckers!

LOADSAMONEY!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:44:00 +0000

The FC still have loads of money to spend on woodland creation and have therefore extended the usual 30th September deadline for Woodland Creation Grant applications.

It really helps your application if your proposals include planting woodland so close to people that will it obstruct their satellite TV reception when analogue is turned off, interfere with a view in 15 years time and harbour drug dealing dens in about 20 years.

And there was I still trying to get me head round yield class!

Extra points can be earned if your proposals include planting really complicated native woodland species mixtures at various spacings with attractive grassy open areas where the widest range of people can engage with the natural environment. Your application will be fast-tracked if the local planning authority subsequently decide to bulldoze your woodland within 10 years to make way for affordable housing and a nice new sports centre where people have to pay to go running on-the-spot instead of running through some nice woodland in the fresh air.

The BNP and what passes for the politics of forestry

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:29:00 +0000

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, sucks thoughtfully on some French birch sap wine. Hope it chokes the f***er.

It`s not very often that this blog gets involved in politics as such although we try to offer a frequent critique in our own humble way about the vacillations of various government departments and QUANGOs charged with the management of our trees, woods and forests.

However, we thought it might be pertinent if we tested the arboreal credentials of the BNP by asking them via their website a few tree related questions such as:

Where do you stand on sycamore?

Kent and the south-east developed a major rural industry based on sweet chestnut which was introduced by the Romans in the olden days. How would you repatriate this tree?

The BNP acknowledges a recent British history based on a collective consciousness of images of earnest British industry that was fueled by coal and timber. Just exactly where did all those pit-props come from?

The BNP presumably have offices somewhere and pound to a penny they`re held up by construction grade sitka spruce which may have been grown in Britain but ultimately has no business being here according to your tenets. Never mind, will you live in a yurt made out of British hazel but made by a Polish woodsman who`s come over here and stolen a job from some bloke who does plastering and doesn`t know how to make yurts?

Recent research has shown that York Minster and therefore the entire edifice of Anglican theology is held up by German oak. That must be really annoying for you?

Ebor Forestry will let you know when we get the BNP`s response.

Don`t hold your breath.

Please let us have your thoughts on the eugenics of forestry at eborforestry@googlemail.com

It`s not just plucking ukuleles, you know!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 23:53:00 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTIv8hP-UIA

Somewhat rueful at being taken out, let alone being taken out to see a ukulele orchestra, Ebor Forestry can wholeheartedly recommend the above combo which me and Mrs Ebor Forestry, no. 2 daughter and Mrs Ebor Forestry`s friend, Boz, saw last night at the Opera House in York.

http://www.ukuleleorchestra.com/main/home.aspx

Woodland Creation Grant by the seat of us pants!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:57:00 +0000

Watch Ebor Forestry race through a familiar European medieval city to meet the 30th September deadline recently.

Stick with it to catch a glimpse at the end of Mr and Mrs Ebor Forestry celebrating the successful delivery of their e.wgs 7!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw29e7tFxQE

Ignite!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:00:00 +0000

Ebor Forestry take delivery of a shiny new £74 000 woodfuel processor. "Just let us at those ancient woodlands and you`d never know we`d been there!"

We have received an email about yet more crap about woodfuel from our arsonist chum Wally Miapin who`s banging on about being Ignite qualified.

We at Ebor Forestry are always open to innovation, as you know, but what is Ignite?

A quick trawl of the interweb revels that those scheming aparatcheks at Yorwoods have a fair hand in it but have transmogrified into a QUANGO which they`ve called a Rural Development Initiative which acts as filter for ERDP finance or something.

This finance is aimed at regenerating rural businesses and in particular the forestry/woodland management sector and in line with national and regional policies dreamed up in cosy Portakabins nestling cosily within the Leeds City Region close to Wheldrake-in-Cambridge is being rolled out across the region with the support of the Regional Development Agency, Yorkshire Forward along with some nice pictures featuring some fat bastards stuffing their faces with fat rascals outside Betty`s in Harrogate.

That`s why 2 Principal Officers of Leeds City Council earning something like £30 000 each attended this heavily subsidised 3 day Ignite course last week aimed at small rural businesses in Yorkshire and learned all about woodfuel.

That`s cleared that up then and now you know all about Ignite!

http://www.yorwoods.org.uk/events/ignite-woodfuel-production-and-supply

Some dogs have died.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:19:00 +0000

One of our latent correspondents, Wilf Ulneglect, sent us this piece from The Independent recently.

Investigation under way after dogs die in woods
By Rosa Silverman, Press Association
Wednesday, 30 September 2009

An investigation is under way after at least three dogs died and more fell ill after visiting a woodland area, Natural England said today.
The inquiry is looking at whether the use of illegal chemicals in the Sherwood area of Nottinghamshire could be responsible for the deaths, according to the Forestry Commission, which owns the land.
Warning signs have been put up in the woods in Haywood Oaks, notifying dog-owners that animals have fallen ill and advising them to keep their pets on leads.
A spokeswoman for Natural England said: "We have received reports that three dogs and one ferret have died and a further five dogs have been taken ill after being in the vicinity of the woodlands, since the beginning of September.
"We are currently awaiting results of tests to clarify the cause."
There have been no reports of humans falling ill.
It is thought more likely that the deaths resulted from something in the water that occurred naturally, or something transmitted by a mite or tick than from the use of chemicals.
A spokesman for the Forestry Commission said: "We'd be very concerned if illegal chemicals were being used."

What the article failed to mention was that autopsies carried out by DEFRA vets revealed that far from being a case of illegal poisoning several deep external abrasions with associated internal organ damage was commensurate with being run over by mountain bikes.

The FC`s Mountain Bike Development Officer for Haywood Oaks was unable to comment by the time Ebor Forestry had had a word with him.

Latest facile recruitment opportunity from the f***ing Forestry Commission!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 22:26:00 +0000

Cycle Development Coach - Bedgebury

As a Cycle Development Coach you will be responsible for developing recreational activities and providing coaching to schools and disabled groups/individuals. You shall work closely with the Bedgebury Forest Cycle Club, to build relationships with the community and maintain and develop facilities. It is also required that you produce reports and propose plans to ensure further funding for the delivery of the Sports England and Cycle Development Plans.

Salary: £11,968 - £14,925 per annum plus benefits, pro rata to full-time equivalent of £21,087 - £26,298

(Thanks to our correspondent, Wally Miapine, somewhere down south for this top vocational tip - Ed.)

Logs for sale, anyone?

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:15:00 +0000

It might be me, but I`m a bit paranoid because I sold a trailer load of half-seasoned sycamore off the back of the Toyota in the pub car park last night.

Mrs Ebor Forestry suggested it hadn`t been certificated or coordinated enough by a qualified woodfuel coordinator who`d been on a Yorwoods course and wasn`t part of an approved rural development initiative.

It`s only a load of logs, for fuck`s sake!

Woodfuel is still shite.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:11:00 +0000

Here`s some correspondence from our correspondent in South Yorkshire who has corresponded with us recently.

You may like to know that a Forestry Commission worker in South Yorkshire was seen buying firewood from a garage forecourt yesterday afternoon (23 September), somewhere near Brodsworth, Doncaster. Did this purchase coincide, one wonders idly, with the thin pall of smoke seen by all passing along the A1 near Junction 35? Was this anything to do with "Camp Fire Cooking", a training session run by an FC worker as part of the wider Play Yorkshire event being held at Brodsworth Community Forest? Taxpayers have a right to know.

PS Woodfuel is still shite

The debate continues -----

Is it just me, or has woodfuel just got shitter?

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:16:00 +0000

The White Rose Forest have just announced that their bid to employ a Woodfuel Coordinatoriator has come a cropper because the bloke who was offered the job decided instead to take up a post in Belgium as a louche stand-up which is more suited to his talents as a forester and former Regional Chair if the ICF.

Sir Guy de Cleckhuddersfax Tam`san, Project Coordiorinator of the White Rose Forest commented: "That just goes to show you can`t trust anyone who`s ever had anything to do with Lancashire. What a tosser."

Anyway the search is on for yet another woodfuel cordianotoriator for West Yorkshire.

How will we ever cope in the meantime!

Us new favourite pub.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:20:00 +0000

http://www.kirkstile.com/index.html

Since us formerly favourite pub has been despoiled so badly, we would like to share this with our few blogees.

Check out Mrs Ebor Forestry who may be easy to spot against the backdrop of Melbreak in her red Crocks!

Because Mrs Ebor Forestry likes coming here for weekends she says Ebor Forestry will be managing the upland-acidic-oak woodland you can see just beyond the pub as soon as we`ve worked out what an NVC is and bought a book about it.

The perfect pub ruined by a media tart, a helicopter camera crew and a miserable old git.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:36:00 +0000

Julia bloody Bradbury!

Alfred bloody Wainwright!

Hope you`re bloody satisfied!

Can`t move for bloody tourists!!!!!!

The Dick`s Arms a`top Crispy Thong`s Moor is now de rigeur.

In the absence of any jokes.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 23:08:00 +0000

http://www.yorkshirerainforestproject.co.uk/en/default.aspx

Is it just me or is woodfuel shit?

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 23:40:00 +0000

http://www.fey.org.uk/site/Portals/0/downloads/downloads%202/1861%20FEY%20cStudy%20Bioflame%20wo.pdf

Woodfuel!

New market`s! New opportunities! New employment in rural areas! Investment in rural communities!

So why is this plant closing? Because it can`t source enough wood within 10 miles in spite of being within a few yards of the several million, billion, trillion tonnes of softwood rubbish planted by the Forestry Commission in Cropton and Dalby?

Someone`s not thought this through.

And they want the private sector to embrace woodfuel?!!!

Quite possibly one of the worsest links

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 23:28:00 +0000

We at Ebor Forestry try really hard to take an interest in community forestry and attempt to avail us-selves with the latest interweb based stuff on-line and so on but would be the first to admit that we are rubbish.

We thought we were useless - here`s the best Leeds City Council can offer anyone interested in becoming a Tree Warden - http://www.leeds.gov.uk/fol/treeward.html

Why is it still there, fascinating though it sounds?

Should we tell them or will you?

Ebor Forestry sort of become interested in blogging again sort of

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 22:34:00 +0000

Ebor Forestry is fully refreshed after its long sojourn amongst the ancient civilisations of South Yorkshire and is working hard to think of new jokes about forestry and that.

Mrs Ebor Forestry has come over all fen Sui and recommends that we thoroughly clean the decks of this blog. Unfortunately, we have tried this before and only managed to lose some of our most amusing japes and scrapes that we know appeal to our much-valued blogee.

Please come back soon.

Welcome back to the Forestry Mountain Bike Commissioners!

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 22:56:00 +0000

Bugger me. You take a few weeks off and what happens?

In the same week that the FC announce that their flacid publication Forest Life is actually a load of crap that nobody reads and invariably featured a spotty twat on a mountain bike on the cover, the FC have also won the rights to hold The World Falling Off Me Bike and Scuffing Me Shins Championship in our beloved Dalby Forest.

Thanks to several million pounds of public subsidy, the FC have spent years promoting this sport and can afford to invest in endless design consultants, ecological surveys, heritage risk assessments, public health benefit appraisals and god knows what. But all they have done is promote the idea that it`s ok to set off hell-for-leather through your nearest wood regardless.

Ebor Forestry would be pleased to hear from woodland owners suffering from these government sponsored idiots who desecrate ancient monuments and abuse public rights of way so that we can put a stop to this pestilence once and for all.

It wouldn`t be so bad if the buggers could be arsed to cycle up hill for once as if it was a proper sport.

Lazy, useless, ne`r-do-well bastards.

And that`s just the Forestry Commission.

noreply@blogger.com (Ebor Holdings) — Sat, 02 May 2009 23:36:00 +0000

Honestly, it`s exhausting being Ebor Forestry trying to dream up jokes about forestry in Yorkshire and so we are taking a little rest on our banana farm in Belize.

Come back soon.