TMS users forum - an update.

My PDA doesn`t work.

Sorry to hear that. What`s the problem?

It doesn`t turn on.

Did you take it outside?

No. I just picked it up and pressed the "ON" button and nothing happened.

You picked it up! PDA`s don`t like being picked up and if you take it outside it won`t work.

I didn`t, I just tried to turn it on.

Was it in its "ruggedised" case?

Yes.

Had it been "on-charge" overnight?

Yes.

Are you sure it hadn`t been taken outdoors by mistake?

Yes, it`s been in my desk drawer.

Well there you go, then.

What?

PDA`s in ruggedised cases don`t like being in drawers.

So, where should I keep it, then?

Somewhere safe and secure with an ambient room temperature would be ideal.

Like in a drawer?

Perfect.

Where does it work, be honest?

Do you know Wales at all -----------------?

It`s "bat" time of year again - boo!

"I`m coming to GET YOU!"

Having got it so wrong about dormouses, we though this might be a timely time to set the record straight about that other well-loved but misunderstood little rodent, the native bat.

According to the British Bat Conservation Trust for the Conservation of British Bats, there are ninety three billion bats in the UK, most of them where Ebor Forestry are working usually.

Their rarity therefore affords them protection under the European Habitat Regulations which makes it an offence to start a chainsaw within echo-location distance of a bat without a full bat survey ie Europe.

What with it being Halloween and everything, bats are at their most active at this time of year so tree managers need to be especially careful as do steeplejacks and vicars. Here are a few facts about bats:

• Bats like nothing more than getting tangled in human hair.
• Bats are scary little fuckers with a nasty bite and carry rabies, Weils Disease and measles.
• Echo-location was invented in 1941 by "the back-room Johnnies".
• UK industry loses 94 million man days per year eg "I`ve got a bad bat."
• Bats love to cause trouble by bringing stuff to a standstill.
• During a good summer and autumn, an average bat will consume the equivalent weight in insects to a small child.
• During a poor summer and autumn, the average bat will consume a small child.

The important thing to remember for foresters and arborioliologits is to exercise caution in relation to potential bat habitation. The little bleeders could be anywhere.

For example, Ebor Forestry were once dismantling a 200 year old ash having carried out thorough, documented bat surveys for the previous 4 weeks and had the ok from Natural England to proceed. Suddenly, all 26 species of native bat popped their little heads up and started fluttering about trying to get at my hair, an otter shot up me trouser leg, a sand lizard slithered down me arm and as I fell out of the tree, I`m sure I saw the two little black eyes of a dormouse watch me plummet earthwards.

Anyway, that`s bats for you.

Trouble causers.

An apology to dormice and their fans.

"Just don`t mention the dormouse. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it."

Amongst all the media furore about 2 over-paid, over-rated, narcissistic fops leaving dirty messages on the bloke who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers` answer machine, Ebor Forestry have managed to upset a dormouse enthusiast in London.

We are, of course, delighted (not to have upset anyone) but to find out that someone actually reads this rubbish.

We are therefore pleased to publish our corespondent`s comments on the subject of dormouses - sorry, dormices - dormice.

Dear Sir

I was forwarded a copy of your blog regarding the reintroduced dormice in Yorkshire and felt that it wasn’t entirely accurate in its representation of the consequences of the dormouse release.

In the first instance dormice are a native animal that were present in Yorkshire, certainly in Victorian times, and probably up to the 1960’s. Woodland fragmentation led to their local extinction over the past 50 years and as they are an arboreal animal they would be highly unlikely to be able to re-establish populations in isolated woods. This inability of the species to naturally repopulate areas initiated the dormouse reintroduction programme which has now been running since 1993 and has seen dormice reintroduced to 16 sites in the counties of the midlands and northern England.

In all instances the owners of the woodlands have been keen to have the opportunity to provide sites for the reintroduction of a locally extinct mammal and have generally continued with woodland management that is essential for the long term survival of local dormouse populations.

In North Yorkshire there are currently three known populations, all of which have been reintroduced. If there is any woodland within 3 miles of any of these sites they should be managed appropriately for dormice. However dormice live quite happily in working coppiced woodland and management sympathetic to dormouse could also be considered to be good working practice.

Simple guidelines to follow for a small woodland owner would be:

- undertake any tree or coppice work between November and March

- coppice in small blocks

- avoid felling more than one third of an area of habitat

- where possible extract timber by forwarder rather than skidder

- retain arboreal connection between coppice blocks

- cut ride-side scrub only in winter

- keep fire sites, paths and trackways to a minimum.

The presence of dormice to Yorkshire should be a cause for celebration not a cause for concern. If their presence encourages woodland owners to either initiate or continue good practice, this should be a positive result to anyone interested in woodland management.

Kind regards
(Name and address supplied)

So think on.

For more information about the dormouse and how to prepare it with a selection of tasty seasonal vegetables look out for Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall`s new book The Native Rodent.

How can we help the small woodland owner even more?

"I don`t want to cause any trouble and I never wanted to come here in the first place. I`m only little, me."

"Hello, is that the Forestry Commission?"

"Depends, are you making a complaint?"

"Er, no."

"That`s ok then, how can I help?"

"I`d just like to check I`m ok to carry on cutting that old hazel coppice as per WGS ref. no 012004437."

"Just looking you up on the database --------------- there might be a problem in that part of the Dales -----."

"Why? I`ve started a business with an FC grant cutting old hazel coppice and restoring native broadleaved woodland and bought a charcoal kiln and everything and the FC have a downloadable pdf on their website about how good it all is."

"Trouble is, someone`s released some dormice in that area and we`ll need to see a full dormouse survey before we can approve your felling proposals."

"What do you mean? There aren`t any dormice in North Yorkshire, they`re only native in Kent or Sussex or somewhere."

"According to the Woodlands Officer for your area someone in a green polo shirt has let them go and they are now breeding successfully and are a European Protected Species and he watches Countryfile so it must be right."

"Bugger. I`d better go and do a survey for dormouses, then."

"Dormice, not dormouses."

"Fuck off."

More on the Rural Payments Agency

"RPA was established in 2001 as an executive agency of DEFRA as the single paying agency responsible for CAP schemes in England and other schemes throughout the UK. We are a customer-focused organisation that pays valid claims accurately and on time, and we work closely with DEFRA on policy decisions to develop and improve our payment delivery.
We employ people at a range of locations: at our corporate headquarters in Reading, offices in Exeter, Northallerton and Newcastle-upon-Tyne and in smaller offices around the country. We look for people who identify with our aims and have specialist skills. Our customer focus also demands good communication and interpersonal skills because people often ring us up who are really, really, dreadfully pissed-off."

RPA website 2008

The RPA have now sent our form back for one of Ebor Forestry`s largest local authority clients for the third time because the legally entitled signatory named on the form doesn`t correspond with their records in spite of the fact that on the same form we have informed them that the legally entitled signatory has now retired and the new legally entitled signatory is Mr X and thus replaces the previous legally entitled signatory who was a Mrs Z and by the way Mr X hasn`t signed part F to confirm that Parts A to E are correct and that Mrs Z is now Mr X.


I of course immediately sent the relevant dog-eared, coffee-cup stained document to the relevant senior officer of the local authority for the appropriate signature so that we can continue playing our bureaucratic games with our chums at Crockery Hill and at least have a go at doing some forestry again.

I am now informed that the bone-headed idiots at L---s City Council (Live it. Love it) have lost the aforementioned RPA Creg001 form and that it never reached Mr X after all and could we send another form for signing.


If only we were on piece work for form filling in.


Has anyone got a black Biro?

Today, Ebor Forestry`s team of arborioliologits spotted a Ganoderma fruit body on a fuck-off beech on the edge of one of our local authority client`s woods. Further inspection revealed the advanced presence of Ustulina deusta. The tree has a natural bias towards a busy junction with traffic lights and stationary traffic.

Because of the tree`s size and age, it`s possible that some bats might be whiling away the hours in this tree before it`s time to go to sleep for the winter.


Ebor Forestry want to fell the tree before it`s roots give up sending 5 tons of hardwood timber earthwards onto a minibus of disabled children parked innocently waiting for a green light or some similar awful scenario such as a stretch-Hummer full of one-legged Iraq veterans from Rotheram on their way to an interview with Harry Gration and Christa Ackroyd for BBC`s Look North.


Now, because all bat species in the UK are protected by European law, there is a delay while a trained bat expert is found who can monitor the tree for emerging bats so that we can comply with European Habitat Regulations.


It`s Friday teatime and everyone to do with trees and bats are in the 3 Legged Mare in York with their phone`s switched off enjoying their third pint of Centurion Ale.


What should you do?


Join in Ebor Forestry`s latest poll and enjoy the adrenalin rush that is urban forestry.

TMS - an update.

Integrated Tree Management System.

Sound`s good doesn`t it. Ebor Forestry thought we`d have one of them.

A way of integrating cutomer enquiries, tree surveys, GIS technology, database recording and financial outputs, all on a web based tool that will facilitate maximum flexibility for your tree management teams whilst achieving optimum ouputs for your clients.

Sounds great! How much is it?

£76 000.

Is it really?

No, its more like well over £100 000 with all the pratting about.

What do we get for our money and how will it make our lives easier?

You get these swanky PDA things in ruggerised cases which mustn`t get wet or taken outside otherwise they don`t work and mustn`t be dropped or thrown across the office for being useless piles of tat or used anywhere near trees which might interfere with the satelite connection.

Sounds just the sort of useless bollocks Ebor Forestry could be interested in. Tell me more.

Well, we have a really useful TMS Users Forum on our website where you can exchange ideas with other TMS users.

Great. How many TMS Users Forum members are there?

Er - you and me, at the moment.

Tell me the truth, TMS is shite, isn`t it.

No, I disagree, we are working towards providing our clients with a genuinely user-friendly, customer facing, integrated tree management system that maximises the potential of the latest GIS/internet technology.

It doesn`t work, does it.

Er - no.

It`s crap, isn`t it.

Er - yes.

What is it?

Useless bollocks.

At last. Where do we send the cheque?

For more useless web-based pratting about, type in Exegesis in your search bar on the interweb but I probably wouldn`t bother if I were you.

Hello!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=u1hiGhJv2oo

For foresters of a certain age and to celebrate Blue Peter`s 50th birthday, here`s the lovely Lesley Judd on holiday with Pete and John.

Why not?

The Rural Payments Agency and Land Registration

That was sneaked in, wasn`t it, you bastards.

Suddenly we have to have our land registered otherwise we may as well not bother.

I have now lost count of the number of times I`ve sent form this and form that to the RPA and spoken to a nice chap and/or lady at the RPA in order to get our Single Business Identifier without which we can`t talk sense to our chums at Crockery Hill which is all we`ve ever wanted to do and carry on with Ebor Forestry`s proud tradition of providing easily accessible and multi-functional forestry.

But now we can`t because the form`s not right.

Or the map`s not right.

Or we`re not registered.

Or it was the wrong sort of felt tip on the plan.

Or we can`t accept your plan but we will send you a plan that we like from our plan people and if you could mark your boundary even though we know the boundary already.

Or we can`t accept your plan because the subcpt. boundary has been marked using a line greater than 8mm even though it was otherwise a lovely plan lovingly approved by our plan people and which was sent to you by us.

BEST OF ALL THOUGH!

We won`t pay you your last instalment of a half-a-bob of annual management grant on your tiny little wood unless your land is registered with the RPA even though we signed a legal contract 5 years ago to pay you half a crown in thru`penny bits.

Why do we bother!

For more information about how useful the RPA can be go to

http://www.warmwell.com/rpa.html