How can we help the small woodland owner even more?

"I don`t want to cause any trouble and I never wanted to come here in the first place. I`m only little, me."

"Hello, is that the Forestry Commission?"

"Depends, are you making a complaint?"

"Er, no."

"That`s ok then, how can I help?"

"I`d just like to check I`m ok to carry on cutting that old hazel coppice as per WGS ref. no 012004437."

"Just looking you up on the database --------------- there might be a problem in that part of the Dales -----."

"Why? I`ve started a business with an FC grant cutting old hazel coppice and restoring native broadleaved woodland and bought a charcoal kiln and everything and the FC have a downloadable pdf on their website about how good it all is."

"Trouble is, someone`s released some dormice in that area and we`ll need to see a full dormouse survey before we can approve your felling proposals."

"What do you mean? There aren`t any dormice in North Yorkshire, they`re only native in Kent or Sussex or somewhere."

"According to the Woodlands Officer for your area someone in a green polo shirt has let them go and they are now breeding successfully and are a European Protected Species and he watches Countryfile so it must be right."

"Bugger. I`d better go and do a survey for dormouses, then."

"Dormice, not dormouses."

"Fuck off."